This depends on context. If she is getting dressed then it is most likely somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. If you are watching TV then it is closer to 0 minutes. As in “why are you watching TV right now when you should be doing something productive?”
18. Are you listening?
You are not listening. There is no way to recover from this.
19. *Loud sigh*
You might not think so, but this is actually a word and it can roughly be translated as “I can’t believe I have to stand here and put up with your stupidity”.
20. It’s up to you
If you think this means you have freedom to choose then you are very, very mistaken. A much better translation would be “It’s up to you…to select the right choice which I know but I am not going to tell you because you should know.” Making the wrong choice will usually result in an “It’s okay (see #16).
No sense trying to fool an Italian Mama, or any Mama for that matter! 😉
Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate is.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom’s thoughts, Anthony volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote an email:
I’m not saying that you “did” take the sugar bowl from my house ; I’m not saying that you “did not” take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Your Loving Son
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine’s 2009 Editors’ Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.
But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’
Isn’t the human body amazing?
As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’
Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.
Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that’s a promise I will keep.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus, she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The young man replied, Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids’ also.
But at least, I wasn’t alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.
My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we’d be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less–not one hour and one minute. Now you can begin to see how mean she really was.
We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?
The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn’t sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, and learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.
She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.
By the time we were teenagers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there? I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I’d had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.
Through the years, things didn’t improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, “sick” like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends’ report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks.
As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out.
My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You’re right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did.
She forced us to grow up into educated, honest adults. Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean.
“‘That wasn’t so bad, was it?’ I almost punched my husband in the face.”
“When our daughter decided to make her appearance at 38 weeks, my husband responded with, ‘Already? But the book says 40 weeks!'”
“I was in final stages of pushing on all fours when I pooped. For months afterwards, he would tell anyone who would listen, ‘I thought it was the head. And then it fell off.'”
“The vagina is ruined!”
“Oh my God, oh my God, why is it doing that?!’ he yelled as I was crowning.”
“After 11 hours of labor and the epidural not working, my husband looked at me and said, ‘Honey, it can’t hurt that bad!’ I looked at him and replied, ‘come let me twist your testicles.’ He backed far, far away.”
“I had been in labor for just about 15 hours, when my husband said this gem: ‘I think I’m just going to go home quickly and take a nap. Text me when anything changes.'”
“I was already scheduled for an induction, but my water broke suddenly. I wake him up, and he says, ‘Can’t we just go when you have that induction? I have golf in the morning, and it’s too late to call everyone to cancel!’ My son was born about 45 minutes later.”
“He asked the doctor how soon we can have sex just minutes after I delivered our son.”
“While delivering my son, I felt something coming out. I told my husband to get the nurse, so my dear, sweet, wonderful husband goes to the door and literally yelled into the hall, ‘MY WIFE HAS TO TAKE A DUMP!'”
“My husband happened to peek while the doctor was sewing up my huge tear and then looks at me and says, ‘You’re never gonna s*** the same again.'”
“He told me to ‘take it easy’ when I was cursing.”
“Sheesh, can you just reach in there and pull her out already?”
“When I went into labor with my oldest, we were getting ready to leave for the hospital and my husband packed a pair of scissors. ‘Do I need to bring them, or does the hospital have some for me to use to cut the umbilical cord?'”
“‘Where does it hurt,’ he asked. Where do you think?!”
“When I finally asked for an epidural, he muttered from his spot on the couch across the room, ‘You don’t really need it…'”
“How much longer?”
“‘This is just like birthing heifers!’ He grew up on a farm, but still … “
“Do you mind if I go get some food?”
“‘Let me take this conference call,” he said. And then he did. For 45 minutes. I never let him live it down.”
“Can I turn the TV up? I can’t hear over your moaning.”
“To the doctor, he said, ‘Can you put a few extra stitches in that to keep things tight?'”
“Wake me up when it’s time to push.”
“‘I don’t think I want to do this again,’ he said. Oh really, you? This was hard on you?!”
“‘Do you think my mom can come in?’ he asked. No, for the thousandth time, I don’t want your mother in this room.”
“I was really out of it because they had given me Ambien. I would wake up with each contraction talking about how I didn’t think I could do it. Since I didn’t remember what he was saying anyway, he started having fun by responding ‘I know’ or ‘nope, you can’t do it’.”
“He kept saying over and over again, ‘OK, let’s regroup.’ The nurse asked me if he was in the military. I said no, but he’s going to be in the hall if he keeps saying that.”
These lip enhancements are horrendous plastic surgery fails. What on earth were they thinking?
1. The woman left with a”trout pout” after using lip enhancer to look like Kylie Jenner
A woman who bought a product to emulate Kylie Jenner’s full pout was left with hugely swollen lips. Australian Brittany Forster used a lip enhancer to give her the voluptuous lips of the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star but was left regretting her decision. After applying the device to her mouth for two minutes, she took it off to reveal her lips had swollen to more than twice their size.
She said she worried the effects would be permanent, but now sees the funny side after discovering the swelling and bruising would be gone in a few days.
Luckily for us, there is a video to relive the moment.
2. The woman who was left with her mouth lopsided after using lip fillers
Hannah Costayer was a pretty teen at just 18 when she decided to have lip injections, not knowing that they would change her appearance forever.
The procedure initially went well but she soon started to notice problems. Hannah’s bottom lip started to swell and, in time,became lumpy. Although Hannah tried to have her lips fixed, a second lip job saw little improvement and she is now looking at having another operation.
In January 2015, she appeared on the TV show Botched Up Bodies to tell her story. (Source)
3. The model whose lips swelled to four times their normal size after botched surgery
Laura Summers was addicted to plastic surgery – until, a day after a lip jab, she woke up looking like this. The model, who had spent £60,000 ($90k) on procedures, said: “I looked in the mirror and screamed. All I could see was a monster looking back at me.”
Her lips had ballooned to four times their normal size after a botched jab that was meant to make them sexily plump. Now Laura, once branded the vainest woman in Britain, wants to warn others about the risk of cowboy cosmetic companies.
Her nightmare started when she had the fillers put in by injection. It only took a few minutes, and it all seemed really professional. But soon, her whole face was numb and she began dribbling uncontrollably. The next day she woke up to the horrifying swelling and went straight to hospital. However, medics could do little as they did not know what had been used as the filler.
She was eventually prescribed antibiotics to help the swelling but it took months for her lips to begin to go down. Even now, more than 20 months on, her lips are still not back to their normal size. (Source)
4. The reality star who landed in the ER after her lip injections left her with a duck face
She’s no stranger to plastic surgery after having her breasts increased from a size C to a size D in 2013. But Farrah Abraham’s recent experience with cosmetic enhancements may keep her away from the doctor for good.
On January 2015, the 23-year-old Teen Mom star revealed on Twitter that her recent lip injections went so haywire that she had to check into the emergency room. In the photo above, the MTV star shows her profile – her top lip is so swollen Abraham looks as if she has a duck face.
In another shot, the mother of one is sitting in a hospital bed in a light grey tank top. On her arm is a Nova patch which releases a powerful painkiller. Farrah’s top lip, which is pink and swollen, is about 10 times larger than her lower lip. She has no makeup on and looks depressed over the cosmetic procedure gone wrong.
The beauty was quickly mocked on social media for her new lips, being compared to Turanga Leela from the animated series Futurama, as well as a character from The Simpsons. (Source)
5. The aspiring model whose career was ruined thanks to her lip injection addiction
Aspiring model Priscilla Caputo started using collagen lip injections to improve her looks and help her modeling career. She never noticed the blatant changes to her appearance, she always just thought she needed more and more improvement.
As the story goes, she actually blames her plastic surgeon boyfriend for not stopping her from the continued use of the injections. It wasn’t until Caputo, 30, posted pictures online that her obvious “before” and “after” ballooning results made her an internet joke almost overnight. She became depressed and suicidal after realizing that her addiction completely altered her appearance. The modeling offers stopped. She eventually went into therapy.
Priscilla has since stopped any lip procedures and is slowly regaining her original lip proportion. (Source 1 | Source 2)
6. The teen who tried an at-home lip job and ended up with blue lips
In an effort to get a Kylie Jenner-worthy pout, some women have been turning to at-home lip jobs, also known as “bottle lips.” Two of these woman are Yrja Ás Baldvinsdottir and her sister Birgitta Ás, from Reykjavik, Iceland.
To achieve a super-sized pout, Yrja put her lips into a plastic bottle and sucked the air out, causing her lips to swell. She said: “I just wanted to try it and see what they would look like, I’ve never done it before, and I won’t be doing it again. My lips turned blue.”
But, despite taking to the popular BeautyTips Facebook page to warn people against similar DIY trout pouts, Yrja was shocked to find people were actually copying her idea. She confessed: “I wanted to warn people against do-it-yourself lip expansion, but was really surprised and shocked that it ended up being something that loads of people were copying.” (Source)
7. The model who tried to get fuller lips by sucking into hairspray lid but was left with severe bruising
A swimwear model has revealed how a DIY lip job ended in disaster when she tried to emulate the fuller lips trend.
Unable to afford £200 ($300) injectable chemical fillers, part-time swimwear model and retail worker Gail Scott, from Salisbury in Wiltshire, was intrigued when she heard about yet another DIY version.
Gail had heard about a tool available online, which promises an enhanced look without injections. Buyers suck into a lip shaped vessel to increase blood supply, temporarily giving the lips an artificial plumped look. Instead of spending £30 on the product, she used the lid of a mini hairspray bottle instead. After placing it over her lips, she sucked for five minutes until her lips started to tingle.
Initially she was delighted when she removed the lid to see her lips looked fuller. But minutes later she was left with painful bruising around her mouth that has left her unable to model since. (Source)
8. The pop singer who sued for $1.2 million over botched lip implant surgery
In 2007, pop star Pete Burns sued his plastic surgeon for “wrecking his career and life.” Burns, singer for the 1980s pop band Dead or Alive, has had several cosmetic procedures on his face and sued a Harley Street surgeon for an estimated £1 million over a botched attempt to remove lip implants.
Burns said he looked like he had been “mutilated with a Stanley knife” after surgery to correct the original problems left his top lip hanging off. The singer, who re-surfaced in last year’s Celebrity Big Brother, has had more than 100 operations by specialists in Italy to try to correct the damage. In 2009, he reached an out-of-court settlement for £450,000 (over $600,000) with cosmetic surgeon, Dr Maurizio Viel. (Source 1 | Source 2)