The Married Couple And The Accident

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.  The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!  All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!  One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.  She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

marriedcouple-coloring-page-outline-by-ron-leishman-13667

Source Via: reddit

 

Blindfolded Girlfriend Gets A Surprise Birthday Dinner

I bet this surprise birthday dinner will be remembered forever by the girlfriend and her guests! LOLOL

google.ca

funny-story-surprise-birthday-blindfold-1Source Via: themetapicture

 

 

Nagging Wife Gets Owned By Husband

This husband sure gets even with his nagging wife!  LMAO

 

nagging-wife02 nagging-wife03Source Via: thechive

 

 

The Alien Wife Swap

Hmnnn…..seems the Alien might have some bonus features us Earthlings might like!  😉

 

alien wife swap

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.  Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

“Just how do you guys do it?” asked the Earthling.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.  The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

“What can you do with THAT!?” exclaims the woman.

“Why?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replied, “it’s nowhere near long enough.  It’ll never reach!”

“No problem,” he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. “Well,” she said.  “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”

“No problem,” he said again and started pulling his ears.  With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.  The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, “Well, was it any good?”  “I hate to say it,” she said, “but it was really wonderful.  How about you?” “Well,” he said, “It was the weirdest thing.  She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night.”

 

Source Via: jokes4us.com

 

 

Getting The Last Laugh

Don’t you just love it, when you get the last laugh?  That sure was the case for this woman!   ROFLMAO!

 

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary…hmmm, is any of this sounding familiar?

His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple’s multimillion dollar home, and since the man’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. Again, having the right lawyer — and of course, the lawyer with the right connections — in court is critical!

He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. What is it with Chardonnay and women in distress…I had a client in Malibu that wiped out huge suppies of this wine for weeks, till I showed up — and I think her soon to be X was drinking “Jack!”

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit…Repairmen refused to work in the house… The maid quit…Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and they decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things weregoing. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back…

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth — but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…

… including the curtain rods.

gettinglastlaugh

Source Via: desperateexes.com

 

 

Husband Gets Last Laugh On Ex Wife

Nobody likes being dumped, so sometimes the smallest victories can be the most satisfying. That’s exactly the case for this husband.  This is a review that he left for a thermostat on Amazon.

His Wife

“My former wife loves to take expensive vacations. We live in Ohio, which doesn’t exactly have extravagant places to see unless you like to watch grass growing or interstate construction. While we make OK money, I’m convinced she felt the need to single handedly improve the US economy by taking elaborate vacations: Broadway shows in New York City, gambling in Las Vegas, Spa’s in Arizona, sightseeing in San Francisco. The airlines know me so well they ask about my dog when I call to make reservations. His name is Fred.”

The Thermostat

In my attempt to try and save whatever I could so the princess could have her nice things I bought this Honeywell Wi-Fi enabled device so I could adjust the HVAC while we were away piling up massive amounts of debt on Mickey Mouse watches. I thought we could save a few bucks by keeping the temp cool in the winter and warm in the summer. The device was easy to install. I did not have the “blue” connector so I had to re-purpose the green one – this required an adjustment to the actual HVAC unit in our home. There are plenty of videos on Youtube to demonstrate how to do this. Within an hour I was up and running.

The Revenge

The device works flawlessly. You can adjust the temp from anywhere you have a Wi-Fi or cellular signal. Little did I know that my ex had found someone that had a bit more money than I did and decided to make other travel plans. Those plans included her no longer being my wife and finding a new travel partner (Carl, a banker). She took the house, the dog and a good chunk of my 401k, but didn’t mess with the wireless access point or the Wi-Fi enabled Honeywell thermostat.

Since this past Ohio winter has been so cold I’ve been messing with the temp while the new love birds are sleeping. Doesn’t everyone want to wake up at 7 AM to a 40 degree house? When they are away on their weekend getaways, I crank the heat up to 80 degrees and back down to 40 before they arrive home. I can only imagine what their electricity bills might be. It makes me smile. I know this won’t last forever, but I can’t help but smile every time I log in and see that it still works. I also can’t wait for warmer weather when I can crank the heat up to 80 degrees while the love birds are sleeping. After all, who doesn’t want to wake up to an 80 degree home in the middle of June?

Yes, it’s the small victories that count.

thermostat

Source Via: hellou.co.uk

 

WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear – you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, ”And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.  That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket”.

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP”?

speeding-ticket

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am? “

I love this part…….

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

Source Via: usaone.net/jokenet

Onestone

Onestone

Onestone

There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone”, so named
because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone!

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
“If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!”

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
“Good morning, Onestone.”

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by, and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when
she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said,
“Good to see you, Onestone.”

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn’t
die!

So what’s the moral of this story?

Come on…take a guess!

Think about it…

(You’re going to LOVE this!)

And the moral is…

“You can’t kill two birds with one stone!”

Never Ask a Georgia Grandma!

Never Ask a Georgia Grandma!

georgiagrandma

 

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me! You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died!

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair!!” 

Fart Your Guts Out

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

“Honey,” he said. “You were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked Martha.

“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

fartjoke

Source: funny

 

VASELINE

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

 “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

What were you thinking ……..

Vaseline_Original_Petroleum_Jelly_50ml_tcm28-298681

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….

“You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

“Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?”

“Well, here it comes.”

urn

Source: oneuponedown

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor. ‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’ ‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’.  It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!  T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years!  But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

viagragreen

Marital Problems and The Blue Parrot

Marital Problems and The Blue Parrot

Marital-Problems

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all, and he’s very lonesome.  So he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices a blue one with no feet.

Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?”

The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy!”

The guy is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”

The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish.”

The guy says, “Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for!”

The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. So, if you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I’ll bet he’ll sell me.”

The guy buys the parrot, and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Obama said this, the A’s won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, “Come in and shut the door.”

The guy says, “What’s up?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee, and he kissed her right on the lips!”

The guy says, “Oh really…a momentary flight of passion?”

The parrot says, “Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts.”

The guy says, “He did??”

The parrot says, “Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started kissing her breasts.”

The guy says, “My God, what happened next!?”

The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my damn perch!”

Blue-Parrot

 

Source: jokes4us.com

Clean Up At Register 2 Please!

Clean Up At Register 2 Please!

Register

 

Some men REALLY know how to go “shopping” for trouble…that’s for DAMN sure! 

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt at register 2 to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,” You must be single.”

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “‘Cause you’re ugly!”

The cashier proceeded to make the following call over the intercom: “Clean Up At Register 2 Please!”

Source: amazingaustralia.com