Her Body’s A Temple

Her Body’s A Temple

body-isatemple

Patrick O’Malley hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

 

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”

So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”

She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.

 
 via: irishjokes

 

Girls Night Out

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GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone for a “girls night out.” They both were very faithful, loving wives… however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn’t want to ruin them… luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it… so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their “business” they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said “These girls nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!”

“That’s nothing!” said the other husband, “mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

“FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION… WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!”

 

via: coolbuddy

 

Redneck Vasectomy

Redneck Vasectomy

 

redneck-vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me”.

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

via

 

Divorce Vs Murder

Joke of the day

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,”I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked,”Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

pharmacist

 

Via:  google

For Old Times Sake

 

For Old Times Sake

 

senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

 

Source: board.jokeroo

 

Family Dinner Conversation – How Many Types Of Boobs Are There?

When the family get together around the dinner table, you just never know what the topic of conversation will be.  LOLOL

family-dinner-play-with-your-family

A family is at the dinner table.  The son asks his Father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The Father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 60 they are like onions.”

‘Onions?’ his son questioned.

“Yes, you see them and they make you want to cry”.

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked her own question.

‘Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?’

The Mother, surprised, smiles and answers; “Well dear, A man goes through three phases:

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 60’s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

‘A Christmas tree?’  the daughter asked.

“YES,  the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

family dinner tree

Source: jokideo

 

 

Fart Football

Are you up for a game of Fart Football?

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, “seven points!”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied “it’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown! Tie score…”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 14 to 7.″

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on for the old man.  He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.  Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

 

fart football old-couple-bed

Source: funnyjunk

 

 

20 Jokes That Are So Bad They’re Actually Funny

Jokes like these might make you groan, but they should also make you laugh!

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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.

“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

 

Source: tickld

 

See What Happens When This Husband To Be Was In Charge Of The Wedding Invitations

You might be taking your chances if you decide to leave your soon to be husband in charge of any wedding preparations, little own the invitations!  LOL

 

funny-wedding-invitation-couple-velociraptor funny-wedding-invitation-couple-2 funny-wedding-invitation-couple-velociraptor-hidden

Source: themetapicture

The Business Trip

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.  It was after midnight. 

While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.  The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! 

The husband puts a gun to the man’s head.  The wife shouts, “Don’t do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.  HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.  HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.  HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol.  HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.  He looks over at the cab driver and says “What would you do?” 

The cab driver replies, “I’d cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.”

 

businesstrip

Source: funbull

 

The Married Couple And The Accident

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.  The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!  All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!  One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.  She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

marriedcouple-coloring-page-outline-by-ron-leishman-13667

Source Via: reddit