The Tablets

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that ‘help’ get an erection.

 

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills….  

I’m still looking for a place to live!

 

tablets

Up Or Down

At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

“Do you want to go up or down?”

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, “Up or down ?”

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and they were there the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down ?”

The woman replied, “Down.”

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,”Up or down ?”

She replied, “Up.”

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.   Now today, nothing!”

She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.”

 

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Source:  ebaumsworld

 

 

Angry Wife Leaves Hilarious Letter To Cheating Husband’s Mistress

Angry WifeLooks like this angry wife got the last laugh!  LOLOL

 

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Source: tickld

Men And Women Think Differently

It is no secret that men and women think differently, but nobody explains it better than International marriage speaker and comedian Mark Gungor:

 

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Source: tickld

See What Happens When This Husband To Be Was In Charge Of The Wedding Invitations

You might be taking your chances if you decide to leave your soon to be husband in charge of any wedding preparations, little own the invitations!  LOL

 

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Source: themetapicture

Dumbest Things Dads Have Said In The Delivery Room

These Dads totally blew it in the delivery room….don’t make their mistakes! 😉

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You know what we’re talking about. He’s utterly confused and can’t quite seem to grasp the exact pain you’re experiencing. That’s when he says one of these beautiful one-liners.

And all moms can relate.

That’s why we went to moms and asked them about the craziest things their partners said in the delivery room. Their answers will either have you nodding in agreement or thanking your partner for somehow managing to keep it together … and his foot out of his mouth:

  1. “‘That wasn’t so bad, was it?’ I almost punched my husband in the face.”

  2. “When our daughter decided to make her appearance at 38 weeks, my husband responded with, ‘Already? But the book says 40 weeks!'” 

  3. “I was in final stages of pushing on all fours when I pooped. For months afterwards, he would tell anyone who would listen, ‘I thought it was the head. And then it fell off.'”

  4. “The vagina is ruined!”

  5. “Oh my God, oh my God, why is it doing that?!’ he yelled as I was crowning.”

  6. “After 11 hours of labor and the epidural not working, my husband looked at me and said, ‘Honey, it can’t hurt that bad!’ I looked at him and replied, ‘come let me twist your testicles.’ He backed far, far away.”

  7. “I had been in labor for just about 15 hours, when my husband said this gem: ‘I think I’m just going to go home quickly and take a nap. Text me when anything changes.'”

  8. “I was already scheduled for an induction, but my water broke suddenly. I wake him up, and he says, ‘Can’t we just go when you have that induction?  I have golf in the morning, and it’s too late to call everyone to cancel!’ My son was born about 45 minutes later.”

  9. “He asked the doctor how soon we can have sex just minutes after I delivered our son.”

  10. “While delivering my son, I felt something coming out. I told my husband to get the nurse, so my dear, sweet, wonderful husband goes to the door and literally yelled into the hall, ‘MY WIFE HAS TO TAKE A DUMP!'”

  11. “My husband happened to peek while the doctor was sewing up my huge tear and then looks at me and says, ‘You’re never gonna s*** the same again.'”

  12. “He told me to ‘take it easy’ when I was cursing.”

  13. Sheesh, can you just reach in there and pull her out already?”

  14. “When I went into labor with my oldest, we were getting ready to leave for the hospital and my husband packed a pair of scissors. ‘Do I need to bring them, or does the hospital have some for me to use to cut the umbilical cord?'”

  15. “‘Where does it hurt,’ he asked. Where do you think?!”

  16. “When I finally asked for an epidural, he muttered from his spot on the couch across the room, ‘You don’t really need it…'”

  17. “How much longer?”

  18. “‘This is just like birthing heifers!’ He grew up on a farm, but still … “

  19. “Do you mind if I go get some food?”

  20. “‘Let me take this conference call,” he said. And then he did. For 45 minutes. I never let him live it down.”

  21. “Can I turn the TV up? I can’t hear over your moaning.”

  22. “To the doctor, he said, ‘Can you put a few extra stitches in that to keep things tight?'”

  23. “Wake me up when it’s time to push.”

  24. “‘I don’t think I want to do this again,’ he said. Oh really, you? This was hard on you?!”

  25. “‘Do you think my mom can come in?’ he asked. No, for the thousandth time, I don’t want your mother in this room.”

  26. “I was really out of it because they had given me Ambien. I would wake up with each contraction talking about how I didn’t think I could do it. Since I didn’t remember what he was saying anyway, he started having fun by responding ‘I know’ or ‘nope, you can’t do it’.”

  27. “He kept saying over and over again, ‘OK, let’s regroup.’ The nurse asked me if he was in the military. I said no, but he’s going to be in the hall if he keeps saying that.”

Source: thestir.cafemom

 

The Married Couple And The Accident

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.  The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!  All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!  One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.  She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

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Source Via: reddit

 

People Who May Have Solidified Themselves As Single For Life

Some people may prefer the single life but carrying on like this might hinder your chances of ever finding a mate.

What’s the opposite of being a wingman? I’m not even sure he knows who they are.

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Remember in “Wiggle” when Jason DeRulo asked, “How’d you fit all that in them jeans?” This is who he was talking about.

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Oh no. There isn’t enough Crest in the world to get that memory washed out of your mouth. singlelife02

Gross! Why would you pick that font?

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He’s definitely on the beach with those lovely ladies. 100% for sure.

singlelife03Anytime a diaper is worn in your Tinder pic, it’s safe to bet you’re not going to go over on your daily right swipes.

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No one has ever hooked up with a guy that had a custom Nintendo 64 jersey designed.

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If you don’t trust, then how can you ever love?

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The biggest issue isn’t the fake girl; it’s the phantom hand resting on his shoulder.

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I’m sure the willing applicants are just lining up at the door.

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No one has ever hooked up using the horn emoji. It’s just not possible.

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That’s a Justin Bieber poster and I don’t even want to tell you what’s down at the bottom.

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Really anyone who wears these shorts in public might as well hang it up.

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Remember that song “She Blinded Me With Science?” This is the opposite of that.

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Actually this picture may have gotten them a lot more dates than they expected.

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The good news is that he didn’t add a girl into the picture like everyone else. The bad news is that he added himself into hers and made himself look like a mutant.

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If those awkward puzzle pieces don’t ruin things before they start, they will as soon as you try to explain what they mean and why they’re shaped like that.

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You’re never going to get another lady back to that house after they Google your address.

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I’m done. This is where I draw the line.

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Source Via: mandatory

 

The Alien Wife Swap

Hmnnn…..seems the Alien might have some bonus features us Earthlings might like!  😉

 

alien wife swap

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.  Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

“Just how do you guys do it?” asked the Earthling.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.  The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

“What can you do with THAT!?” exclaims the woman.

“Why?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replied, “it’s nowhere near long enough.  It’ll never reach!”

“No problem,” he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. “Well,” she said.  “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”

“No problem,” he said again and started pulling his ears.  With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.  The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, “Well, was it any good?”  “I hate to say it,” she said, “but it was really wonderful.  How about you?” “Well,” he said, “It was the weirdest thing.  She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night.”

 

Source Via: jokes4us.com

 

 

Getting The Last Laugh

Don’t you just love it, when you get the last laugh?  That sure was the case for this woman!   ROFLMAO!

 

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary…hmmm, is any of this sounding familiar?

His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple’s multimillion dollar home, and since the man’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. Again, having the right lawyer — and of course, the lawyer with the right connections — in court is critical!

He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. What is it with Chardonnay and women in distress…I had a client in Malibu that wiped out huge suppies of this wine for weeks, till I showed up — and I think her soon to be X was drinking “Jack!”

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit…Repairmen refused to work in the house… The maid quit…Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and they decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things weregoing. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back…

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth — but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…

… including the curtain rods.

gettinglastlaugh

Source Via: desperateexes.com