Breakup Texts That’ll Crack You Up

Not all breakups are painful… Here are some really funny breakup texts which are just hilarious.  While some of them are done by mistake, others take the wittiness to another level.

 

#1  That girls has some balls…

#2  An English lover!

#3  Autocorrect’s a bitch!

#4  Two timing requires a good memory!

#5  Narrow escape!

#6  Never play that game… never!

#7  That’s one way to get your point across!

#8  That’s cruel!

#9  Never disclose your wishes!

#10  Witty!

#11  When you just won’t accept it!

#12  Epic!

#13  No coming back from it!

#14  Cheater detected!

#15  Who needs an enemy when you have friends like these…

#16  Witty and smooth!

#17  No pain … no gain!

#18  Witty!

#19  Sometimes things happen for the best!

 

source:

Her Body’s A Temple

Her Body’s A Temple

body-isatemple

Patrick O’Malley hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

 

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”

So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”

She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.

 
 via: irishjokes

 

Men Misunderstand So Many things Women Say

It is NO wonder men misunderstand women as they are very complicated individuals!

 

1.  I don’t want to talk about it

misunderstand21

She wants you to go away because she is still building up evidence against you.

2.  Nothing

misunerstand01

It is something. It is definitely something and you had better figure it out real quick.

3.  I’m not upset

misunderstand20

She’s upset

4.  Do I look fat in this?

misunderstand02

A better translation would be “Do you think I’m ugly?” and the answer is categorically “no”.

5.  Do you have to do this now?

misunderstand19

Also not a question. It means stop doing what you’re doing and prepare for further orders.

6.  Go ahead

misunderstand03

Do not misconstrue this as permission. In fact, it’s more of a dare. Actually, its always a dare. Don’t do it.

7.  What are you doing?

misunderstand18

This is actually not a question. It’s a statement akin to “You’re doing it wrong.”

8.  No

misunderstand04

It means “no”.

9.  We can go anywhere you want

misunderstand16

In most cases this means “You had better choose my favourite restaurant”.

10. Yes

misunderstand05

In most cases this also means no. There are exceptions but they are very hard to distinguish.

11. Thanks a lot

misunderstand15

It’s a very small distinction but this is actually the opposite of “thanks”. Under no circumstances should you say “you’re welcome”. Typically that would land you back at #15 (Whatever).

12. It would be nice if…

misunderstand06

Everything following the “if” is meant to be interpreted as an unconditional order.

13. Thanks

misunderstand14

It means thanks. Say “you’re welcome”.

14. Fine

misunderstand07

This means the argument is over and you lost.

15. Whatever

misunderstand13

This is like “fine” except significantly worse. In fact, many times it will follow #18 (Are you listening?).

16. It’s okay

misunderstand08

It’s never okay. This only means that she needs some time to figure out your punishment.

17. 5 minutes

misunderstand12

This depends on context. If she is getting dressed then it is most likely somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. If you are watching TV then it is closer to 0 minutes. As in “why are you watching TV right now when you should be doing something productive?”

18. Are you listening?

misunderstand09

You are not listening. There is no way to recover from this.

19. *Loud sigh*

misunderstand11

You might not think so, but this is actually a word and it can roughly be translated as “I can’t believe I have to stand here and put up with your stupidity”.

 

20. It’s up to you

misunderstand10

If you think this means you have freedom to choose then you are very, very mistaken. A much better translation would be “It’s up to you…to select the right choice which I know but I am not going to tell you because you should know.” Making the wrong choice will usually result in an “It’s okay (see #16).

21. We need to talk

misunderstand17You’re dead.

source

12 Of The Cheesiest Pick-Up Lines You’ll Ever Hear!

These have GOT to be some of THE cheesiest pick-up lines you’ll ever hear! Next time you see a hottie, you’ll know exactly what to fondue.

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Via: buzzfeed.com

Wife Texts Husband She Brought A Dog Home While The Pic Shows A Coyote ….

When this wife, “Kayla Eby”, sends her husband Justin a text saying she brought home a dog,  but in the picture you can clearly tell it is a coyote,  hilarity ensues.  LOLOL

 

coyote01 coyote02 coyote03 coyote04 coyote05 coyote06 coyote07 coyote08 coyote09 coyote10 coyote11 coyote12

Image credits: Kayla Eby

More info: Facebook

source: boredpanda

 

22 Hilarious Divorce Cakes That Are Even Better Than Wedding Cakes

With these funny cakes…you can have your divorce and eat it too!

1. A steampunk wedding means a steampunk divorce.

A steampunk wedding means a steampunk divorce.

2. This intricate design is basically an edible settlement agreement.

This intricate design is basically an edible settlement agreement.

3. Though not edible, this one was made from actual divorce papers.

Though not edible, this one was made from actual divorce papers.

Pretty crafty.

4. Rats, anyone?

Rats, anyone?

5. The heart is a lonely island.

The heart is a lonely island.

6. Well that’s one way of making amends.

Well that's one way of making amends.

7. Draw!

Draw!

8. Melancholy, but very intricate.

Melancholy, but very intricate.

9. Bury the ring, once and for all.

Bury the ring, once and for all.

Just be careful not to swallow it.

10. Has anybody seen Ken?

Has anybody seen Ken?

11. One ring to rule them all.

One ring to rule them all.

12. Clear. Concise. Confirmed.

Clear. Concise. Confirmed.

13. Is that how the saying goes?

Is that how the saying goes?

15. She doesn’t look very sorry about it.

She doesn't look very sorry about it.

16. That is one large pan.

That is one large pan.

17. This one focuses on the positive aspects of being single.

This one focuses on the positive aspects of being single.

18. Freedom isn’t free.

Freedom isn't free.

(Neither is Divorce.)

19. Cake first, then tattoo.

Cake first, then tattoo.

Retro Bakery / retrobakerylv.com

20. Aww, this one is actually kind of cute!

Aww, this one is actually kind of cute!

~Who’s a grumpy little divorce cake?~

21. Enough said.

Enough said.

22. Have you ever seen poop made out of icing?

Have you ever seen poop made out of icing?

Well….at least we think it’s icing.

 

Via: buzzfeed.com

Divorce Vs Murder

Joke of the day

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,”I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked,”Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

pharmacist

 

Via:  google

For Old Times Sake

 

For Old Times Sake

 

senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

 

Source: board.jokeroo

 

Lip Sync Battle – Channing Tatum & Beyonce’s “Run The World (Girls)” vs. Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s “Pony”

This lip sync competition between Channing  Tatum and his wife Jenna, is simply awesome!  I think Jenna nailed it!

 

Family Dinner Conversation – How Many Types Of Boobs Are There?

When the family get together around the dinner table, you just never know what the topic of conversation will be.  LOLOL

family-dinner-play-with-your-family

A family is at the dinner table.  The son asks his Father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The Father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 60 they are like onions.”

‘Onions?’ his son questioned.

“Yes, you see them and they make you want to cry”.

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked her own question.

‘Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?’

The Mother, surprised, smiles and answers; “Well dear, A man goes through three phases:

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 60’s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

‘A Christmas tree?’  the daughter asked.

“YES,  the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

family dinner tree

Source: jokideo

 

 

Fart Football

Are you up for a game of Fart Football?

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, “seven points!”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied “it’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown! Tie score…”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 14 to 7.″

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on for the old man.  He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.  Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

 

fart football old-couple-bed

Source: funnyjunk

 

 

12 Things Men Do Differently To Women

Men and women will always do things differently…

Differences-Between-Men-and-Womenboo

NICKNAMES

-If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

-If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.


EATING OUT

-When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

-When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

-A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

-A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.


BATHROOMS

-A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shampoo, soap and a towel.

-The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

-A woman has the last word in any argument.

-Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

-A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

-A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

-A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

-A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

-A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

-A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

-A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

-A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

-Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

-Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

-A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

-A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT OF THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Via: tickld