Men Misunderstand So Many things Women Say

It is NO wonder men misunderstand women as they are very complicated individuals!

 

1.  I don’t want to talk about it

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She wants you to go away because she is still building up evidence against you.

2.  Nothing

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It is something. It is definitely something and you had better figure it out real quick.

3.  I’m not upset

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She’s upset

4.  Do I look fat in this?

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A better translation would be “Do you think I’m ugly?” and the answer is categorically “no”.

5.  Do you have to do this now?

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Also not a question. It means stop doing what you’re doing and prepare for further orders.

6.  Go ahead

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Do not misconstrue this as permission. In fact, it’s more of a dare. Actually, its always a dare. Don’t do it.

7.  What are you doing?

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This is actually not a question. It’s a statement akin to “You’re doing it wrong.”

8.  No

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It means “no”.

9.  We can go anywhere you want

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In most cases this means “You had better choose my favourite restaurant”.

10. Yes

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In most cases this also means no. There are exceptions but they are very hard to distinguish.

11. Thanks a lot

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It’s a very small distinction but this is actually the opposite of “thanks”. Under no circumstances should you say “you’re welcome”. Typically that would land you back at #15 (Whatever).

12. It would be nice if…

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Everything following the “if” is meant to be interpreted as an unconditional order.

13. Thanks

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It means thanks. Say “you’re welcome”.

14. Fine

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This means the argument is over and you lost.

15. Whatever

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This is like “fine” except significantly worse. In fact, many times it will follow #18 (Are you listening?).

16. It’s okay

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It’s never okay. This only means that she needs some time to figure out your punishment.

17. 5 minutes

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This depends on context. If she is getting dressed then it is most likely somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. If you are watching TV then it is closer to 0 minutes. As in “why are you watching TV right now when you should be doing something productive?”

18. Are you listening?

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You are not listening. There is no way to recover from this.

19. *Loud sigh*

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You might not think so, but this is actually a word and it can roughly be translated as “I can’t believe I have to stand here and put up with your stupidity”.

 

20. It’s up to you

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If you think this means you have freedom to choose then you are very, very mistaken. A much better translation would be “It’s up to you…to select the right choice which I know but I am not going to tell you because you should know.” Making the wrong choice will usually result in an “It’s okay (see #16).

21. We need to talk

misunderstand17You’re dead.

source

Fart Football

Are you up for a game of Fart Football?

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, “seven points!”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied “it’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown! Tie score…”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 14 to 7.″

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on for the old man.  He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.  Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

 

fart football old-couple-bed

Source: funnyjunk

 

 

12 Things Men Do Differently To Women

Men and women will always do things differently…

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NICKNAMES

-If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

-If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.


EATING OUT

-When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

-When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

-A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

-A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.


BATHROOMS

-A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shampoo, soap and a towel.

-The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

-A woman has the last word in any argument.

-Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

-A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

-A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

-A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

-A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

-A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

-A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

-A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

-A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

-Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

-Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

-A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

-A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT OF THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Via: tickld

 

See What Happens When This Husband To Be Was In Charge Of The Wedding Invitations

You might be taking your chances if you decide to leave your soon to be husband in charge of any wedding preparations, little own the invitations!  LOL

 

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Source: themetapicture

Dumbest Things Dads Have Said In The Delivery Room

These Dads totally blew it in the delivery room….don’t make their mistakes! 😉

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You know what we’re talking about. He’s utterly confused and can’t quite seem to grasp the exact pain you’re experiencing. That’s when he says one of these beautiful one-liners.

And all moms can relate.

That’s why we went to moms and asked them about the craziest things their partners said in the delivery room. Their answers will either have you nodding in agreement or thanking your partner for somehow managing to keep it together … and his foot out of his mouth:

  1. “‘That wasn’t so bad, was it?’ I almost punched my husband in the face.”

  2. “When our daughter decided to make her appearance at 38 weeks, my husband responded with, ‘Already? But the book says 40 weeks!'” 

  3. “I was in final stages of pushing on all fours when I pooped. For months afterwards, he would tell anyone who would listen, ‘I thought it was the head. And then it fell off.'”

  4. “The vagina is ruined!”

  5. “Oh my God, oh my God, why is it doing that?!’ he yelled as I was crowning.”

  6. “After 11 hours of labor and the epidural not working, my husband looked at me and said, ‘Honey, it can’t hurt that bad!’ I looked at him and replied, ‘come let me twist your testicles.’ He backed far, far away.”

  7. “I had been in labor for just about 15 hours, when my husband said this gem: ‘I think I’m just going to go home quickly and take a nap. Text me when anything changes.'”

  8. “I was already scheduled for an induction, but my water broke suddenly. I wake him up, and he says, ‘Can’t we just go when you have that induction?  I have golf in the morning, and it’s too late to call everyone to cancel!’ My son was born about 45 minutes later.”

  9. “He asked the doctor how soon we can have sex just minutes after I delivered our son.”

  10. “While delivering my son, I felt something coming out. I told my husband to get the nurse, so my dear, sweet, wonderful husband goes to the door and literally yelled into the hall, ‘MY WIFE HAS TO TAKE A DUMP!'”

  11. “My husband happened to peek while the doctor was sewing up my huge tear and then looks at me and says, ‘You’re never gonna s*** the same again.'”

  12. “He told me to ‘take it easy’ when I was cursing.”

  13. Sheesh, can you just reach in there and pull her out already?”

  14. “When I went into labor with my oldest, we were getting ready to leave for the hospital and my husband packed a pair of scissors. ‘Do I need to bring them, or does the hospital have some for me to use to cut the umbilical cord?'”

  15. “‘Where does it hurt,’ he asked. Where do you think?!”

  16. “When I finally asked for an epidural, he muttered from his spot on the couch across the room, ‘You don’t really need it…'”

  17. “How much longer?”

  18. “‘This is just like birthing heifers!’ He grew up on a farm, but still … “

  19. “Do you mind if I go get some food?”

  20. “‘Let me take this conference call,” he said. And then he did. For 45 minutes. I never let him live it down.”

  21. “Can I turn the TV up? I can’t hear over your moaning.”

  22. “To the doctor, he said, ‘Can you put a few extra stitches in that to keep things tight?'”

  23. “Wake me up when it’s time to push.”

  24. “‘I don’t think I want to do this again,’ he said. Oh really, you? This was hard on you?!”

  25. “‘Do you think my mom can come in?’ he asked. No, for the thousandth time, I don’t want your mother in this room.”

  26. “I was really out of it because they had given me Ambien. I would wake up with each contraction talking about how I didn’t think I could do it. Since I didn’t remember what he was saying anyway, he started having fun by responding ‘I know’ or ‘nope, you can’t do it’.”

  27. “He kept saying over and over again, ‘OK, let’s regroup.’ The nurse asked me if he was in the military. I said no, but he’s going to be in the hall if he keeps saying that.”

Source: thestir.cafemom

 

Men Hilariously Describe What a Period Feels Like

Somebody asked the men of Reddit to explain what they thought a period felt like….these are the hilarious results!  LOLOL

 

menperiod01Source: mlpforums.com
menperiod02Source: addictedfitnessrx.wordpress.com
menperiod03Source: giphy.com
menperiod04Source: imgur.com
menperiod05Source: imgur.com
manperiod06Source: eatliver.com
manperiod07Source: youtube.com
manperiod08Source: goonswithspoons.com
menperiod09Source: BostonFan781
menperiod10Source: giphy.com
menperiod11Source: thumbpress.com
menperiod12Source: yourepeat.com
menperiod13Source: popsugar.com
menperiodfrodoSource: dicelfico.blogspot.com
menperiod15Source: uproxx.com
menperiod16Source: lostinsuburbia.com
menperiod17Source: uncyclopedia.wikia.com
menperiod18Source: themetapicture.com
menperiod19Source: vigilantforums.com

 

Source Via: distractify

 

People Who May Have Solidified Themselves As Single For Life

Some people may prefer the single life but carrying on like this might hinder your chances of ever finding a mate.

What’s the opposite of being a wingman? I’m not even sure he knows who they are.

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Remember in “Wiggle” when Jason DeRulo asked, “How’d you fit all that in them jeans?” This is who he was talking about.

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Oh no. There isn’t enough Crest in the world to get that memory washed out of your mouth. singlelife02

Gross! Why would you pick that font?

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He’s definitely on the beach with those lovely ladies. 100% for sure.

singlelife03Anytime a diaper is worn in your Tinder pic, it’s safe to bet you’re not going to go over on your daily right swipes.

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No one has ever hooked up with a guy that had a custom Nintendo 64 jersey designed.

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If you don’t trust, then how can you ever love?

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The biggest issue isn’t the fake girl; it’s the phantom hand resting on his shoulder.

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I’m sure the willing applicants are just lining up at the door.

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No one has ever hooked up using the horn emoji. It’s just not possible.

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That’s a Justin Bieber poster and I don’t even want to tell you what’s down at the bottom.

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Really anyone who wears these shorts in public might as well hang it up.

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Remember that song “She Blinded Me With Science?” This is the opposite of that.

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Actually this picture may have gotten them a lot more dates than they expected.

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The good news is that he didn’t add a girl into the picture like everyone else. The bad news is that he added himself into hers and made himself look like a mutant.

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If those awkward puzzle pieces don’t ruin things before they start, they will as soon as you try to explain what they mean and why they’re shaped like that.

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You’re never going to get another lady back to that house after they Google your address.

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I’m done. This is where I draw the line.

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Source Via: mandatory

 

Straight Guys Lip Sync to Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off ”

These two guys were having a whole lotta fun lip syncing to Taylor Swift’s hit “Shake It Off”, that is, until their friend in the back seat wakes up! LOLOL

 

guyslipsync

 

Source Via: youtube

 

New EPIC Beards by Mr. Incredibeard

Mr. Incredibeard, who is also known by some as Isaiah Webb, has been perfecting his beard-crafting skills since 2012, so he’s at the top of his hair-styling game right now. His beard sculptures are some of the most advanced we’ve ever seen. Check it out!

 

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Source Via: boredpanda.com

 

“The Pocket Taser ~ A Stun Gun Story”

“The Pocket Taser ~ A Stun Gun Story”

The Pocket Taser is one of the funniest stories of a man who finds out what NOT to ever give his wife as a present for their anniversary!

pocket taser stun gun

 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in on hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries? All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5′ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’??

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…

I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dummy,’ reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I’m pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, ‘Do it again, stupid, do it again!’

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid!

P.P.S. Never try this at home!!

Source: hubpages.com