Her Body’s A Temple

Her Body’s A Temple

body-isatemple

Patrick O’Malley hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

 

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”

So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”

She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.

 
 via: irishjokes

 

Redneck Vasectomy

Redneck Vasectomy

 

redneck-vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me”.

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

via

 

24 Reasons Husbands Can’t Be Trusted To Do Anything Right

Some funny reasons why husbands can’t be trusted to do ANYTHING right. 

1. They should never be asked to fold fitted sheets.

They should never be asked to fold fitted sheets.

2. They should never be left to take care of infants.

They should never be left to take care of infants.

3. For real…

For real...

4. They should never be left alone near rivers, especially if there are children around.

They should never be left alone near rivers, especially if there are children around.

5. They should never be put in charge of making the lattice for your apple pie.

They should never be put in charge of making the lattice for your apple pie.

6. They should never be left in charge of the house or kids.

7. They should never be asked to watch the baby.

They should never be asked to watch the baby.

8. They should never be given access to googly eyes.

They should never be given access to googly eyes.

9. They should never be left alone with feminine products.

They should never be left alone with feminine products.

10. They should never be in charge of pest control.

They should never be in charge of pest control.

11. They should never be responsible for decorating anniversary cakes.

They should never be responsible for decorating anniversary cakes.

12. They should never be allowed to wrap the Christmas presents.

They should never be allowed to wrap the Christmas presents.

13. They should never be allowed to pump the gas.

They should never be allowed to pump the gas.

14. They should never be left in charge of lunch for tomorrow.

They should never be left in charge of lunch for tomorrow.

15. They should never be allowed near poetry fridge magnets.

They should never be allowed near poetry fridge magnets.

16. They should never be left in charge of the calendar.

They should never be left in charge of the calendar.

17. They should never be in charge of cleaning the shower.

18. They should never be in charge of dressing the kids.

They should never be in charge of dressing the kids.

19. They shouldn’t be allowed to design your mutual credit card.

They shouldn't be allowed to design your mutual credit card.

20. They should never be given access to label makers.

They should never be given access to label makers.

21. They should never be allowed on Pinterest.

They should never be allowed on Pinterest.

22. They should never have a credit card in the presence of ice cream. They’ll just use it as a spoon.

They should never have a credit card in the presence of ice cream. They'll just use it as a spoon.

23. They should never be in charge of naming new puppies.

They should never be in charge of naming new puppies.

24. They should never be told that they’re not allowed to drink beer near the new carpet.

They should never be told that they're not allowed to drink beer near the new carpet.

Source: buzzfeed

Wife Texts Husband She Brought A Dog Home While The Pic Shows A Coyote ….

When this wife, “Kayla Eby”, sends her husband Justin a text saying she brought home a dog,  but in the picture you can clearly tell it is a coyote,  hilarity ensues.  LOLOL

 

coyote01 coyote02 coyote03 coyote04 coyote05 coyote06 coyote07 coyote08 coyote09 coyote10 coyote11 coyote12

Image credits: Kayla Eby

More info: Facebook

source: boredpanda

 

Divorce Vs Murder

Joke of the day

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,”I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked,”Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

pharmacist

 

Via:  google

See What Happens When This Husband To Be Was In Charge Of The Wedding Invitations

You might be taking your chances if you decide to leave your soon to be husband in charge of any wedding preparations, little own the invitations!  LOL

 

funny-wedding-invitation-couple-velociraptor funny-wedding-invitation-couple-2 funny-wedding-invitation-couple-velociraptor-hidden

Source: themetapicture

Husband Gets Banned From Walmart For Hilarious Reasons

This husband decided to have a little fun while his wife was doing some shopping at Walmart and ended up getting himself banned from the store!  ROFLMAO

 

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Source: thelisticles

 

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him….

“You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

“Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

“Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?”

“Well, here it comes.”

urn

Source: oneuponedown