Condom Slogan Jokes

These condom slogan jokes are right on the money!  😉

condomslogans

 

AT&T Condum:      Reach out and touch someone.

Campbell’s Condom:      Mmm, mmm, good.

Nike Condom:      Just do it.

Toyota Condom:      Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more?

Diet Pepsi Condom:     You got the right one, baby.

GE Condom:     We bring good things to life!

Pringles Condom:     Once you pop, you can’t stop.

Mentos Condom:      The freshmaker.

Doublemint Condom:      Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Secret Condom:      Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

Ford Condom:      The best never rest. Have you Driven a Ford Lately?

Chevy Condom:      Like a Rock.

Jeep-Eagle Condom:      There’s Only One Jeep (sold in singles only)

The Saturn Condom:      A *Different* Kind of Condom Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

NY Lotto Condom: ‘     Cause, hey — you never know.

Avis Condom:      Trying harder than ever.

Energizer Condom:      Keeps going and going …

KFC Condom:     Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condom:      Always the Real Thing.

Diet Coke Condom:      Just for the taste of it

Lays Condom:      Betcha can’t have just one.

MCI Condoms:      For friends and family

Taco Bell Condom:      Get some before you go south of the border.

The Sears Latex Condom:     One coat is good for the entire winter.

Starburst Condom:     Gets Your Juices Flowin’

Bud-Light Condom:      Where’s the Love Man!

7-UP Condom:      The UN-Condom

Iomega Condom:      For All Your Stuff

Microsoft Condom:      Wherever you want to go today. We are universally compatible.

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If Toddlers Were On Facebook

Could you imagine if toddlers were on Facebook?  By the looks of these posts I think we can be very thankful they are NOT!  🙂

TARGET PROBLEMS

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HOLY CRAP

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FACEBOOK PICS

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EMO SONG LYRICS

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VAGUEBOOKING

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HELL’S KITCHEN

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THANKSGIVING PROBLEMS

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DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE

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PINTEREST ANGST

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DATE NIGHT

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Motorcycle Ads Where Men Replaced Women – See The Funny Results

Switching up the gender norm for motorcycle ads, these images take real poses done by women in skimpy outfits but placed a man in the role.  The change is a tad shocking, as you realize just how ridiculous some of these poses and outfits are, yet seem so normal when it is a woman being featured.

 

Seems so normal…

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Until…

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Source: mtlblog

 

A Ton Of F*cks

ton of fucks

You’re born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers’ opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many.

Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate fucks to family and career, but there aren’t enough fucks to give to the newest fads. Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that’s outside my job title? I’ll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight.

Then, as you get even older, you’re down to 1-2 fucks per month, and those fucks are pretty damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job, and that’s kinda it. It’s not your fault – fucks expire too quickly. I would’ve liked to save my fucks from when I was younger, but I can’t.

Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You’re getting like 1 fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck-worthy things, you just can’t give a fuck. Some people run out really quickly, Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age.

But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you’re out of fucks to give. It’s just basic Fuckonomics.

Via: Oflispeaks.com

The Fat Jew

 

20 Jokes That Are So Bad They’re Actually Funny

Jokes like these might make you groan, but they should also make you laugh!

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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.

“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

 

Source: tickld

 

The Best Of George Carlin Quotes

These quotes from George Carlin truly define him as one of the best, most insightful comedians EVER!

George-Carlin

“When you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That’s when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.”

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

“I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you: ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is: ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality, and integrity.’”

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. “

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain, for strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

“This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. ”

 

Source: iheartintelligence

Husband Gets Banned From Walmart For Hilarious Reasons

This husband decided to have a little fun while his wife was doing some shopping at Walmart and ended up getting himself banned from the store!  ROFLMAO

 

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Source: thelisticles

 

How On Earth Did Kids Survive Without Computers ?

A man was asked how he managed to survive without the use of computers or cell phones in his day…. his response is pure gold!

 

computers

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e. Coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took Phys Ed ….. And risked permanent injury with a pair of PF Flyers instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the paddle for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 40 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do Math and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter.

Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or Netflix. We weren’t!!

Oh yeah … And where was the antibiotics and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then Mom calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

Source: tickld

 

Swearing Rules Guideline For My Children

If you are a parent that uses profanity, chances are your children will too.  Here is a swearing rules guideline that would work well in my house!  😉

 

swearingrulesImage via Shutterstock

 

1. First and foremost, learn what the swear words actually mean. Look them up in the dictionary or ask me. Each one is an alternative word for something else. Knowing the definition of every curse word is the only way to …

2. Use profanity correctly and in the proper context. You need to learn when and how to use the right words so you don’t look like an ass. Did you stub your toe? A boisterous “FUCK!” is appropriate, while “Oh dick!” sounds wrong. By the way, it should go without saying …

3. Never swear at school. NEVER. EVER. Or in front of people you don’t know. Or in front of your grandparents. Except your great-grandmother — she’ll probably laugh and teach you some new expletives. Which leads me to my next point …

4. Know your audience. Don’t be an asshole and curse intentionally to piss somebody off or to get attention. It’s not nice. Understand that some people get their panties in a bunch if you swear in front of them. When in doubt, keep your damn trap shut. And to become a skilled practitioner …

5. Appreciate the nuances of the language. There are subtleties worth noting. For example, the meaning of “fuck” changes depending upon what word you use after it: “me,” “you,” “off,” or “it.” These are important distinctions, and you need to master that shit. But please …

6. Don’t overdo it. A sundae is not delicious if you put too many sprinkles on it. Treat obscenities like sprinkles. They should enhance, not detract from, the message you are sending. Use the words for emphasis. And only occasionally. That way, when you do use them, people know you’re not fucking around. Oh, and, by the way …

7. Don’t let anyone tell you profanity is for the uneducated. You don’t have to put up with that shit. James Joyce sure didn’t, and neither do I. Sure, I could say, “Please refrain from exhibiting selfish and aggressive behavior in my presence.” But this college-educated woman knows the power and efficiency of saying, “Don’t be a dick.” That being said …

8. There are some words that are so offensive that you ought not utter them. For instance, let’s try not to piss off any higher power, OK? And C U Next Tuesday? NOT OKAY IN MY HOUSE. That goes for derogatory terms for any race, religion, or sexual orientation as well.  For those words, you will be digitally grounded. Like, no phone or Internet for an obscene amount of time. And, Sweetie, even without these words …

9. Don’t be surprised when people are offended by your choice of language. Hey, you decided to use the words, now you have to stand by that decision. Not everyone is going to like it, but you can shrug off that shit. Some people just don’t have a fucking sense of humor.

 

Source Via: scarymommy