Men Misunderstand So Many things Women Say

It is NO wonder men misunderstand women as they are very complicated individuals!

 

1.  I don’t want to talk about it

misunderstand21

She wants you to go away because she is still building up evidence against you.

2.  Nothing

misunerstand01

It is something. It is definitely something and you had better figure it out real quick.

3.  I’m not upset

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She’s upset

4.  Do I look fat in this?

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A better translation would be “Do you think I’m ugly?” and the answer is categorically “no”.

5.  Do you have to do this now?

misunderstand19

Also not a question. It means stop doing what you’re doing and prepare for further orders.

6.  Go ahead

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Do not misconstrue this as permission. In fact, it’s more of a dare. Actually, its always a dare. Don’t do it.

7.  What are you doing?

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This is actually not a question. It’s a statement akin to “You’re doing it wrong.”

8.  No

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It means “no”.

9.  We can go anywhere you want

misunderstand16

In most cases this means “You had better choose my favourite restaurant”.

10. Yes

misunderstand05

In most cases this also means no. There are exceptions but they are very hard to distinguish.

11. Thanks a lot

misunderstand15

It’s a very small distinction but this is actually the opposite of “thanks”. Under no circumstances should you say “you’re welcome”. Typically that would land you back at #15 (Whatever).

12. It would be nice if…

misunderstand06

Everything following the “if” is meant to be interpreted as an unconditional order.

13. Thanks

misunderstand14

It means thanks. Say “you’re welcome”.

14. Fine

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This means the argument is over and you lost.

15. Whatever

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This is like “fine” except significantly worse. In fact, many times it will follow #18 (Are you listening?).

16. It’s okay

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It’s never okay. This only means that she needs some time to figure out your punishment.

17. 5 minutes

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This depends on context. If she is getting dressed then it is most likely somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. If you are watching TV then it is closer to 0 minutes. As in “why are you watching TV right now when you should be doing something productive?”

18. Are you listening?

misunderstand09

You are not listening. There is no way to recover from this.

19. *Loud sigh*

misunderstand11

You might not think so, but this is actually a word and it can roughly be translated as “I can’t believe I have to stand here and put up with your stupidity”.

 

20. It’s up to you

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If you think this means you have freedom to choose then you are very, very mistaken. A much better translation would be “It’s up to you…to select the right choice which I know but I am not going to tell you because you should know.” Making the wrong choice will usually result in an “It’s okay (see #16).

21. We need to talk

misunderstand17You’re dead.

source

The Last Taxi Ride ~ Kindness Really “Pays Off”

The story “The Last Taxi Ride” nearly had me in tears! It’s people like this that really shows that sometimes kindness and compassion…really does…”Pay Off”. Hope you enjoy this one. 

last-taxiride

Via: iwastesomuchtime.com

Why You Should Always Wear Underwear

After reading this funny story you may never go without underwear again.  LMAO!

 

ALWAYS WEAR UNDERWEAR

 

Source: funnyjunk

How Likely Are You To Cheat? See What Your Horoscope Sign Might Reveal

Some people are more tempted than others to cheat.  Is it possible your horoscope sign can reveal the relationship mistakes you are going to make? Maybe even if you are prone to cheating?  See below to check out what your odds are.

 

VIRGO

Virgos are often reliable, smart and practical. But they can be perfectionists, cranky and negative. All these different sides of you add up to you being faithful, although you may cheat out of spite. Try to stay level-headed and work on making your current thing perfect.

horoscope virgo6

PISCES

Pisces are people who truly feel. Artistic in nature, they are also generous, compassionate and faithful. Though you have bouts of sadness and many fears, you detest being alone. Therefore, you are very likely NOT to cheat. But if you do happen to, you’ll feel much guilt over it for a long time. Having an equally creative and kind partner will boost your own good qualities and keep you stuck to them.

horoscope pieces12

LEO

Everyone knows Leos like to be the center of attention. But they are also proud, courageous and loyal. Despite your loyalty, your need to be in the spotlight may cause you to wander away to someone who will put you on a pedestal. Make sure your partner knows you need extra attention like gifts and sex.

horoscope leo5

AQUARIUS

An aquarius is hard not to love. They are truthful, fair and affectionate. Yet you may be unpredictable and you’re interested in many things, so it makes it hard for you to focus on just one. Though you are flirty, you are a one guy/gal kinda person. Lock that down!

horoscope aquarious11

CANCER

While Cancers are very emotional, they still need stability. You may be pessimistic about your current relationship, but your loyalty will make you less likely to cheat than other signs. While you often put others first, you may drag on a dead relationship for fear of hurting the other person.

horoscope cancer4

CAPRICORN

Determination and ambition are both enviable qualities. You are, however, also conceited and untrusting. Both the positives and negatives about you may want you to jump in the sack with someone at work. You need a partner who is as driven and career focused as you. No scrubs!

horoscope capricorn10

GEMINI

Ah, the twins. Gemini have a lot of facets to their personality, which makes them indecisive. Their good qualities are that they are sociable, communicative and fun. But because you are restless, you might get swept away by a stranger who can give you what your current partner cannot. Try making a list of your current man/woman’s positive traits and learn to fall in love with them again.

horoscope gemini3

SAGITTARIUS

Curious, energetic and extroverted, a Sagittarius loves life. Because of your wanderlust, you often grow impatient. You are also bad at keeping things on the DL, so an affair wouldn’t be kept secret. You could stray if your partner isn’t giving you what you need in the bedroom. So communicate with your S.O. and tell them to spice it up.

horoscope sagittarious9

TAURUS

Taurus are reliable, sensual, loyal and practical. They are, however, stubborn and possessive. While you might see the word “loyal” and think you won’t cheat, being sensual is also a major part of your personality. There’s a good chance you might look elsewhere. While others rely on you, it’s hard for you to rely on others. Spice up things with your partner in the bedroom!

horoscope taurus2

SCORPIO

Scorpios are notoriously sexy and passionate. They like to sow their wild oats, be as fierce as Tyra and intense with everything and everyone. But you actually crave security and devotion making you less likely to cheat than find that special someone for the long haul.

horoscope scorpio8

ARIES

Aries are supposed to be spontaneous, daring, active and energetic. In their faults, Aries are vain, egotistic and impatient. So it’s no wonder they have a wandering eye. If you’re partner doesn’t put your first, you have a tendency to say, “Bye, Felicia!” Communication is especially important when you are an Aries.

horoscope aries1

LIBRA

Hot and heavy, Libras appreciate the beautiful things in life. You might stress yourself out because it’s hard for you to say no to people. You’d think it’d make sense for you to be a cheater, you probably won’t do it physically. But you will admire prospects from afar. There’s nothing wrong with a little crush!

horoscope libra7

Source: americanflare

 

 

 

A Ton Of F*cks

ton of fucks

You’re born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers’ opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many.

Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate fucks to family and career, but there aren’t enough fucks to give to the newest fads. Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that’s outside my job title? I’ll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight.

Then, as you get even older, you’re down to 1-2 fucks per month, and those fucks are pretty damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job, and that’s kinda it. It’s not your fault – fucks expire too quickly. I would’ve liked to save my fucks from when I was younger, but I can’t.

Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You’re getting like 1 fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck-worthy things, you just can’t give a fuck. Some people run out really quickly, Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age.

But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you’re out of fucks to give. It’s just basic Fuckonomics.

Via: Oflispeaks.com

The Fat Jew

 

Fart Facts: 10 Facts About Farting

Why do we fart?  Why do farts smell?  Find out the answers to these questions and more, about  one of the most common bodily functions of all time.

 

1.  What Is A Fart, Exactly

fart01Farts are caused by trapped air, which can come from many sources. Some of it is air that we have swallowed while chewing or drinking. Some air is caused by gas seeping into our intestines from our blood, and some gas is produced by chemical reactions in our intestines or bacteria living in our guts.


A typical fart is composed of about 59 percent nitrogen, 21 percent hydrogen, 9 percent carbon dioxide, 7 percent methane and 4 percent oxygen. Only about one percent of a fart contains hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans, which contain sulfur, and the sulfur is what makes farts stink.

Farts make a sound when they escape due to the vibrations of the rectum. The loudness may vary depending on how much pressure is behind the gas, as well as the tightness of the sphincter muscles. (Source | Photo)

2.  Why Do Farts Smell Bad?

farts02The more sulfur-rich your diet is, the more terrible your farts will smell. Some foods contain more sulfur than others, which is why eating things like beans, cabbage, cheese, soda, and eggs can cause gas that will peel the paint off the walls! 

3.  People Pass Gas About 14 Times Per Day

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The average person produces about half a liter of farts every single day, and even though many women won’t admit it, women do fart just as often as men. In fact, a study has proven that when men and women eat the exact same food, woman tend to have even more concentrated gas than men.

If a person were to fart continuously for 6 years and 9 months, they would produce gas with the equivalent energy of an atomic bomb. (Source | Photo)

4.  Farts Have Been Clocked At A Speed Of 10 Feet Per Second.

farts04Though farts come out with varying velocities, we don’t typically smell them for about 10-15 seconds after letting them rip. This is because it takes that long for the odor to reach your nostrils. Source

5.  Holding Farts In Could Be Bad For Your Health

farts05Doctors disagree on whether or not holding in a fart is bad for your health. Some experts think that farts are a natural part of your digestive system, so holding them in won’t harm you. Others think that at best, holding them in can cause gas, bloating, and other uncomfortable symptoms, and at worst, repressing gas can cause hemorrhoids or a distended bowel. (Source | Photo)

6.  For Some Cultures, Farting Is No Big Deal

fart06While most cultures feel that farts should be suppressed in polite company, there are some cultures that not only don’t mind letting them fly in public, but they actually enjoy it. An Indian tribe in South America called the Yanomami fart as a greeting, and in China you can actually get a job as a professional fart-smeller!

In ancient Rome, Emperor Claudius, fearing that holding farts in was bad for the health, passed a law stating that it was acceptable to break wind at banquets.
(Source 1 | Source 2 | Photo)

7.  Farts Are Flammable

farts07As stated above, the methane and hydrogen in bacteria-produced farts make your gas highly flammable. This is why some people think it’s a fun party trick to hold a lighter up to their bums and let one fly; doing so produces a big burst of flame, but is obviously very dangerous.

In rare cases, a build-up of flammable gasses in the intestines have caused explosions during intestinal surgeries! (Source 1 | Source 2 | Source 3 | Photo)

8.  Termites Produce The Most Farts Of Any Other Animal

farts08It’s hard to believe that the tiny termite is responsible for a great deal of our global warming problem on the planet. Termites fart more than any other animal, which produces methane gas. According to the Environmental Protection Agency, “Global emissions of methane due to termites are estimated to be between 2 and 22 Tg per year, making them the second largest natural source of methane emissions. Methane is produced in termites as part of their normal digestive process, and the amount generated varies among different species.” (PhotoVia)

9.  If You Hold Them In, They’ll Just Come Out When You Sleep

sleeping girl

Even if you clenched your butt and held them in all day, the gas will escape once you relax. What’s more relaxing than sleep? (Source | Photo)

10. People Even Fart After Death

fart10Here’s proof that you can’t escape passing wind, even after you’re dead! Up to three hours after the body dies, gasses continue to escape from both ends of the digestive tract, resulting in burping or farting noises. This phenomenon is due to muscles contracting and expanding before rigor mortis sets in. (Source | Photo)

 

Source: oddee

 

 

Woman Writes Best Letter Ever To Company For Their Feminine Products

This is an actual letter from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph. This was PC Magazine’s 2009 Editors’ Choice award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.

feminineemail

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’ maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants. Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or ‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always…

Wendi Aarons

Austin, TX

Source: tickld

After Being Rejected By The Military Man Posts This Response

An older man, aged 62, puts up one hell of an argument as to why the military should raise the minimum age to join the military to 35 instead of recruiting 18-year-olds.  I have to say, his argument makes a lot of sense!

 

manmilitary01manmilitary02

Source: hrtwarming

 

8 Most Memorable Lessons From Mister Rogers

Mister Rogers was a very insightful man who had many words of wisdom we all could benefit from!

It can still be a beautiful day in the neighborhood if we take Mister Rogers’ lessons as seriously as *he* took *us* when we were growing up.

Lesson #1. Be the Mister Rogers you wish to see in the world.

mister rogers01 Think: What would Mister Rogers do? Then do that. This is the most simple and most difficult of all the lessons.

Lesson #2. Know that scary things are there. And talk about it.

mister rogers02For example. If you are worried you might go down a drain, Mister Rogers has you.

“The rain may go down,
But you can’t go down.
You’re bigger than any bathroom drain.
You can never go down
Can never go down
You can never go down the drain.”

Lesson #3. Talk about your feelings. If you know what to do with your feelings, you can do anything.

mister rogers03

Mister Rogers went to *CONGRESS* and talked about his feelings.

mister rogers04 He was like, “By the way guys, people can’t deal with their feelings and they’re hurting each other.”mister rogers05 mister rogers06 And then he straight up was like, “Hey congressmen, can I sing you a song?”

AND HE DID.

mister rogers07 mister rogers08 mister rogers09And that’s how he won over a grouchy old senator and got millions of dollars of funding for his show.

Lesson #4. Dress down! The only thing that matters is who you are inside anyway.

mister rogers10It’s OK to be comfortable.

Here’s some more of his beautiful song:

“But it’s you I like —
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you’ll remember
Even when you’re feeling blue
That it’s you I like,
It’s you yourself,
It’s you, it’s you I like.”

Lesson #5. It’s good to be curious and imagine new things.

CRAYONS!!!!!

mister rogers11misterrogerscrayonsRemember when he took you to the crayon factory? No one questions how crayons are made because Mister Rogers changed your life when he showed you how your favorite writing utensil came to be.

Mister Rogers was ready to learn, he was curious, and he thought that, like, EVERYTHING was interesting.

Even cassette players! mister rogers12Yes. That is what cassette players looked like!

Best question ever, right here:

mister rogers13WHAAATTTTT?!

Get out of your life and into your mind. It’s called imagining. :::prayer hands:::

Lesson #6. Remember the helpers in our world.

mister rogers14 Maybe even *be* one of the helpers. Feel the feelings.

Lesson #7. Like other people. Like yourself!

mister rogers15“I’m just so proud of all of you who have grown up with us, and I know how tough it is some days to look with hope and confidence on the months and years ahead. But I would like to tell you what I often told you when you were much younger: I like you just the way you are.” — Mister Rogers

Lesson #8. Remember: Everyone is your neighbor. I mean everyone.

mister rogers16

New concept: EVERYONE IS YOUR NEIGHBOR.

Imagine if we lived in a world where we realllllllly thought that everyone was reallllly our neighbor.

That’s Mister Rogers’ world.

People from Ferguson.

People from halfway around the world.

People on your street! (Your LITERAL neighbors!)

EV-ER-Y-ONE.

Sing me your song, Mister Rogers.

“So, let’s make the most of this beautiful day. Since we’re together we might as well say: Would you be mine? Could you be mine?

Won’t you be my neighbor?”

We can live in this neighborhood.

How about we grow *that* idea in the garden of our minds?

Mister Rogers taught us a special thing about ideas in the gardens of our minds.

mister rogers17All you have to do is think, and they’ll grow.

Source: upworthy