The Last Taxi Ride ~ Kindness Really “Pays Off”

The story “The Last Taxi Ride” nearly had me in tears! It’s people like this that really shows that sometimes kindness and compassion…really does…”Pay Off”. Hope you enjoy this one. 

last-taxiride

Via: iwastesomuchtime.com

For Old Times Sake

 

For Old Times Sake

 

senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

 

Source: board.jokeroo

 

12 Things Men Do Differently To Women

Men and women will always do things differently…

Differences-Between-Men-and-Womenboo

NICKNAMES

-If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

-If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.


EATING OUT

-When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

-When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

-A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

-A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.


BATHROOMS

-A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shampoo, soap and a towel.

-The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

-A woman has the last word in any argument.

-Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

-A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

-A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

-A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

-A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

-A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

-A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

-A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

-A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

-Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

-Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

-A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

-A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT OF THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Via: tickld

 

Waitress Refuses To Serve Senior Breakfast Special Without Eggs

A senior couple were out for breakfast when the waitress denied the elderly ladies request to eliminate the eggs from the breakfast special.  You have to hear her genius response!  LOLOL

 

seniorbreakfast

Source: hrtwarming

Bank Gets Angry Letter From Elderly Woman After Bounced Check

This elderly woman sure gets even with her bank after they bounced her check.  Her hilarious reply had me in stitches!  ROFL!

 

bankbouncecheck bankbouncecheck1

Source Via: tickld.com

 

Fart Your Guts Out

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

“Honey,” he said. “You were right – all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked Martha.

“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

fartjoke

Source: funny

 

Top 20 Signs You Might Be a Redneck If…

These Top 20 Signs You Might Be a Redneck If…were some of the funniest I came across. Gotta just love Jeff Foxworthy for making all of these up! Here’s just a “small sample” of his humorous stand-up comedy act.

Hope y’all ENJOY! 

Top 20 Signs You Might Be a Redneck If…

By Source, Fair use, wikipedia

1. You believe you got a set of matched luggage if you have two shopping bags from the same store.

2. You think “fast food” is hitting a possum at 65 MPH

 3. You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.

4. You think a stock tip is advice on wormin’ your hogs.

5. You’ve been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.

6. Your house still has the “Wide Load” sign on the back.

7. You got stopped by a state trooper and he asked you if you had an I.D. and you said, “Bout what?”

8. NASCAR stands for:  Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks.

9. You think Possum is “The Other White Meat”.

10. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.

11. You hooked up with your present girlfriend as a result of a message on the wall of the men’s room at the Flying J Truck Stop.

12. The centerpiece on your dining room table is an original signed work by a famous taxidermist.

13. You think a “quarter horse” is a ride out in front of the Wal-Mart.

14. You think “safe sex” is a padded headboard.

15. If you can burp and say your name at the same time, you’re shur’nuff a redneck!

16. You believe dual air-bags refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

17. You’ve got more than one brother named “Darryl”.

18. You think watching professional wrestling is “foreplay”.

19. The people on “The Jerry Springer Show” remind you of you neighbors.

20. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are…”Gentlemen, start your engines!!”

 

 

Source: http://www.jefffoxworthy.com/