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These have GOT to be some of THE cheesiest pick-up lines you’ll ever hear! Next time you see a hottie, you’ll know exactly what to fondue.
The origin of these sayings from the past truly took me back in time. It is hard to believe the term “raining cats and dogs” had such a bizarre beginning!
Check out these old sayings from the past to see which ones you remember or possibly still use to this day.
What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust’? What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister… After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. ‘ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget….
This particular Sunday sermon… ‘Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
‘Without you, we are but dust….’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’
Here’s 15 of the funniest things people have said in their sleep. Do YOU talk in your sleep too?
This is some of the funniest bathroom graffiti I have seen. LMAO
Who would have thought you would get such a great laugh from some church bulletins. LOLOL
1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
4. Evening massage – 6 p.m.
5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the back door.
8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
11. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
13. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
15. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16. Stewardship Offertory: “Jesus Paid It All”
17. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
18. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
22. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24. Hymn 43: “Great God, what do I see here?” Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: “Hark! an awful voice is sounding”
25. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
28. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29. Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary…
30. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 pm. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Some of the most creative and hilariously named boats I have come across, check them out!
Source Via: klyker
Did your parents ever tell any of these hilarious lies or have one of their own they had you believing? LOL
Source Via: wildammo.com
It’s widely accepted that leaving a tip is the done thing, but not everybody does. So how do you get people to leave a tip? Here are some very clever and creative ideas to have your tip jars full in no time!
Slimer or Hulk?
A Tip? For Me?
Star Wars or Star Trek?
This Week’s Question is…
Now thats an Incentive
Are You as Evil as These People?
Tupac or Biggie?
Prepare to Tip!!
Tip Me Baby One More Time
Rapping Lessons for Lil Wayne
Help Send My Cat to Ninja School
Do It for the Dolphins
End the Haircut Tragedy That Is the Mullet
Who Would You Pick?
Save the Poor Fishy
Don’t Upset Jesus
Make It Happen for This Sloth
Source Via: blazepress.com
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” (My Favorite)
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.” (LOVE IT)
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”
( National Crime Information Center )
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”
British humour is really funny, so I thought it was worth sharing. Gotta love ’em!