After Joining Marines Farm Kid Writes Letter Home

A young farm kid wrote home after joining the marines with this hilarious letter. A version of this has been floating around the web for a while, but a reader recently submitted this slightly altered version, and it’s a great read.

marineletters

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Boom! Marine, farm kid, and a young girl? Doesn’t get much tougher than that.

 

Source: thedailyheadline

Why You Should Always Wear Underwear

After reading this funny story you may never go without underwear again.  LMAO!

 

ALWAYS WEAR UNDERWEAR

 

Source: funnyjunk

Guy Takes Matters Into His Own Hands After Hearing Kids Abusive Remarks To His Mother

This guy may or may not have taught the abusive little brat anything but I bet it was an experience he won’t soon forget!  LMAO

 

guy-farts-on-kid-1 guy-farts-on-kid-2guy-farts-on-kid-3guy-farts-on-kid-4guy-farts-on-kid-5guy-farts-on-kid-6guy-farts-on-kid-7guy-farts-on-kid-8guy-farts-on-kid-9Source: weknowmemes

 

Teacher Has Best Response Ever To Sixth Grade Female Student

This teacher really does have the best reponse ever to her sixth grade student!  ROFLMAO

 

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

teacherboopic

Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson. “Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”

“Very good, Sam. Thank you.”

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”

Source: tickld

Kids Say It Best

This is for all of the haters out there that for some reason have an issue with mothers nursing their newborn babies in public. If you were a mother and had a screaming, crying newborn I guarantee you would be trying to find anyway you could to sooth your baby. Mothers have been doing this in the past by feeding their baby wherever they are at the time. Unfortunately, there have been some serious haters out there that are trying to shame these mother and this 6 year old has the best response for them.  Sometimes….kids really do say it best!

 

kids say it best01

And here is the best answer ever:

kids say it best02

 

Source: littlechurchmouse

The Best Of George Carlin Quotes

These quotes from George Carlin truly define him as one of the best, most insightful comedians EVER!

George-Carlin

“When you’re in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you’re guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It’s very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That’s when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.”

“If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.”

“I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you: ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is: ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality, and integrity.’”

“I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.”

“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. … These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”

“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”

“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first; get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating …and you finish off as an orgasm.”

“I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic.”

“Religion is like a pair of shoes…..Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.”

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”

“Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.”

“How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?”

“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. “

“Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

“People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

“Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.”

“Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticide grain, for strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, and hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”

“Everyone smiles in the same language.”

“We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.”

“There’s a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.”

“This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. ”

 

Source: iheartintelligence

The Mean Things My Mother Did

The best kind of Mother to have!  😉

 

I had the meanest mother in the whole world. While other kids ate candy for breakfast, I had to have cereal, eggs or toast. When others had cokes and candy for lunch, I had to eat a sandwich. As you can guess, my supper was different than the other kids’ also.

But at least, I wasn’t alone in my sufferings. My sister and two brothers had the same mean mother as I did.

My mother insisted upon knowing where we were at all times. You’d think we were on a chain gang. She had to know who our friends were and where we were going. She insisted if we said we’d be gone an hour, that we be gone one hour or less–not one hour and one minute. Now you can begin to see how mean she really was.

We had to wear clean clothes and take a bath. The other kids always wore their clothes for days. We reached the height of insults because she made our clothes herself, just to save money. Why, oh why, did we have to have a mother who made us feel different from our friends?

The worst is yet to come. We had to be in bed by nine each night and up at eight the next morning. We couldn’t sleep till noon like our friends. So while they slept-my mother actually had the nerve to break the child-labor law. She made us work. We had to wash dishes, make beds, and learn to cook and all sorts of cruel things. I believe she laid awake at night thinking up mean things to do to us.

She always insisted upon us telling the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, even if it killed us- and it nearly did.

By the time we were teenagers, she was much wiser, and our life became even more unbearable. None of this tooting the horn of a car for us to come running. She embarrassed us to no end by making our dates and friends come to the door to get us. If I spent the night with a girlfriend, can you imagine she checked on me to see if I were really there? I never had the chance to elope to Mexico. That is if I’d had a boyfriend to elope with. I forgot to mention, while my friends were dating at the mature age of 12 and 13, my old fashioned mother refused to let me date until the age of 15 and 16. Fifteen, that is, if you dated only to go to a school function. And that was maybe twice a year.

Through the years, things didn’t improve a bit. We could not lie in bed, “sick” like our friends did, and miss school. If our friends had a toe ache, a hang nail or serious ailment, they could stay home from school. Our marks in school had to be up to par. Our friends’ report cards had beautiful colors on them, black for passing, red for failing. My mother being as different as she was, would settle for nothing less than ugly black marks.

As the years rolled by, first one and then the other of us was put to shame. We were graduated from high school. With our mother behind us, talking, hitting and demanding respect, none of us was allowed the pleasure of being a drop-out.

My mother was a complete failure as a mother. Out of four children, a couple of us attained some higher education. None of us have ever been arrested, divorced or beaten his mate. Each of my brothers served his time in the service of this country. And whom do we have to blame for the terrible way we turned out? You’re right, our mean mother. Look at the things we missed. We never got to march in a protest parade, nor to take part in a riot, burn draft cards, and a million and one other things that our friends did.

She forced us to grow up into educated, honest adults. Using this as a background, I am trying to raise my three children. I stand a little taller and I am filled with pride when my children call me mean.

meanmom1

Source: tickld

 

How On Earth Did Kids Survive Without Computers ?

A man was asked how he managed to survive without the use of computers or cell phones in his day…. his response is pure gold!

 

computers

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn’t seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can’t remember getting e. Coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

We all took Phys Ed ….. And risked permanent injury with a pair of PF Flyers instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can’t recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We got the paddle for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 40 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do Math and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter.

Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can’t recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or Netflix. We weren’t!!

Oh yeah … And where was the antibiotics and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it’s a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then Mom calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn’t even notice that the entire country wasn’t taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

Source: tickld

 

Swearing Rules Guideline For My Children

If you are a parent that uses profanity, chances are your children will too.  Here is a swearing rules guideline that would work well in my house!  😉

 

swearingrulesImage via Shutterstock

 

1. First and foremost, learn what the swear words actually mean. Look them up in the dictionary or ask me. Each one is an alternative word for something else. Knowing the definition of every curse word is the only way to …

2. Use profanity correctly and in the proper context. You need to learn when and how to use the right words so you don’t look like an ass. Did you stub your toe? A boisterous “FUCK!” is appropriate, while “Oh dick!” sounds wrong. By the way, it should go without saying …

3. Never swear at school. NEVER. EVER. Or in front of people you don’t know. Or in front of your grandparents. Except your great-grandmother — she’ll probably laugh and teach you some new expletives. Which leads me to my next point …

4. Know your audience. Don’t be an asshole and curse intentionally to piss somebody off or to get attention. It’s not nice. Understand that some people get their panties in a bunch if you swear in front of them. When in doubt, keep your damn trap shut. And to become a skilled practitioner …

5. Appreciate the nuances of the language. There are subtleties worth noting. For example, the meaning of “fuck” changes depending upon what word you use after it: “me,” “you,” “off,” or “it.” These are important distinctions, and you need to master that shit. But please …

6. Don’t overdo it. A sundae is not delicious if you put too many sprinkles on it. Treat obscenities like sprinkles. They should enhance, not detract from, the message you are sending. Use the words for emphasis. And only occasionally. That way, when you do use them, people know you’re not fucking around. Oh, and, by the way …

7. Don’t let anyone tell you profanity is for the uneducated. You don’t have to put up with that shit. James Joyce sure didn’t, and neither do I. Sure, I could say, “Please refrain from exhibiting selfish and aggressive behavior in my presence.” But this college-educated woman knows the power and efficiency of saying, “Don’t be a dick.” That being said …

8. There are some words that are so offensive that you ought not utter them. For instance, let’s try not to piss off any higher power, OK? And C U Next Tuesday? NOT OKAY IN MY HOUSE. That goes for derogatory terms for any race, religion, or sexual orientation as well.  For those words, you will be digitally grounded. Like, no phone or Internet for an obscene amount of time. And, Sweetie, even without these words …

9. Don’t be surprised when people are offended by your choice of language. Hey, you decided to use the words, now you have to stand by that decision. Not everyone is going to like it, but you can shrug off that shit. Some people just don’t have a fucking sense of humor.

 

Source Via: scarymommy

 

18 Moments That Only People Who Are Late For Work Will Understand

These Gifs absolutely NAIL what it feels like when you know you are running late for work!

Even if you sleep through your alarm, your subconscious mind knows that you’ve messed up. This causes your brain to send a signal to your body that says “Get out of bed as gracefully as possible.”

lateforwork01Then, you get ready in a calm and relaxed manner.

lateforwork02You try to have some breakfast, even though there’s not really time. At this point, you may be in denial about just how late you actually are.

lateforwork03Luckily, commutes that happen while running late are usually incident free.

lateforwork04 And when you finally get to work, you arrive without bringing too much attention to yourself.

lateforwork05When your deskmate asks where you’ve been, you’re not sure if you can trust him or not.

lateforwork06And when your boss comes to your desk to ask you why you were late, you try to distract her with your charm.

lateforwork07If you happen to be late on the day of a big meeting, you try to slide in to your seat at the table subtly, as if you had been there all along.

lateforwork08Suddenly, reality sets in: Since you were late this morning, you’re going to have to work late tonight.

lateforwork09This causes you to lash out at everyone in the office for the rest of the day, as if it were their fault that you stayed up too late watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix the night before.

lateforwork10The next order of business is to alert your friends that you’re going to be late for happy hour.

lateforwork11And when you’re finally finished working, you try to get to your friends as fast as humanly possible.

lateforwork12Unfortunately, it’s so late that they’re already paying the tab and heading out. They’re all disappointed in you.

lateforwork13 And frankly, you’re disappointed in yourself.

lateforwork14Defeated, you head home while trying to reassure yourself that tomorrow is a new day, and a new chance for you to be punctual.

lateforwork15When your family asks you how your day was, you try to act like nothing bad happened.

lateforwork16Finally, you collapse into bed with the full intention of getting up at least an hour early tomorrow.

lateforwork17But that’s obviously not going to happen.

lateforwork18

Source Via: lifebuzz

 

Sons Panic Over Pet Lizard Turns Out To Be Hysterically Funny

As kids most of us had one pet or another throughout our childhood that provided us with many fond memories and some of the funniest stories ever.  This one cracked me right up!  ROFLMAO

 

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Source Via: tickld