Divorce Vs Murder

Joke of the day

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,”I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked,”Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband.

That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

pharmacist

 

Via:  google

For Old Times Sake

 

For Old Times Sake

 

senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”

Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”

OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”

“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having
sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”

 

Source: board.jokeroo

 

High Pitched Bieber By Stuggy Vines

Stuggy Vines does a high pitched version of Justin Bieber’s song “Sorry” that is just too funny, you gotta see it!   LOL

 

=”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKRTM3KL758″>youtube

Credit: StuggyVines

 

A Ton Of F*cks

ton of fucks

You’re born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers’ opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many.

Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate fucks to family and career, but there aren’t enough fucks to give to the newest fads. Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that’s outside my job title? I’ll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight.

Then, as you get even older, you’re down to 1-2 fucks per month, and those fucks are pretty damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job, and that’s kinda it. It’s not your fault – fucks expire too quickly. I would’ve liked to save my fucks from when I was younger, but I can’t.

Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You’re getting like 1 fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck-worthy things, you just can’t give a fuck. Some people run out really quickly, Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age.

But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you’re out of fucks to give. It’s just basic Fuckonomics.

Via: Oflispeaks.com

The Fat Jew

 

Man Makes The Staff At Walmart Lose Their Minds

This man had some fun at the expense of the Walmart staff!

 

This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided:

Yes, I know, it’s not my best artwork, but I didn’t have the time to be elaborate with the drawing. I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit “OK”, there was a pause. The register then said “COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD.” One thought popped in my head: “OH *!”

It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my drawing of a johnson and balls. The lady at the register didn’t immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said “These signatures don’t match.”

At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn’t matter. I probably didn’t make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words “he drew a penis…” as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I’m out of breath from laughing and I’m still giggling like a schoolgirl.

Manager: Sir, your signature…heh…umm…doesn’t match the signature on your card.

Me: I know and there is a good reason for that.

Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine.

**The guy behind me bursts into laughter.**

Me: Yeah, I didn’t think this would happen. I’ve been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it.

Manager: I guess you learned your lesson.

Me: Yeah, the credit card doesn’t accept penis.

**The guy behind me now can’t stop laughing.**

Manager: OK, I’m going to decline the signature and have you sign it again.

Me: Fair enough.

Manager: This time, really sign it.

So I had to sign it again and they wouldn’t let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had single-handedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn’t let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew a johnson and balls as his credit card signature.

So I have a plan now. I’m going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my johnson and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really mess with them.

Source: tickld

Lip Sync Battle – Channing Tatum & Beyonce’s “Run The World (Girls)” vs. Jenna Dewan-Tatum’s “Pony”

This lip sync competition between Channing  Tatum and his wife Jenna, is simply awesome!  I think Jenna nailed it!

 

Guy Takes Matters Into His Own Hands After Hearing Kids Abusive Remarks To His Mother

This guy may or may not have taught the abusive little brat anything but I bet it was an experience he won’t soon forget!  LMAO

 

guy-farts-on-kid-1 guy-farts-on-kid-2guy-farts-on-kid-3guy-farts-on-kid-4guy-farts-on-kid-5guy-farts-on-kid-6guy-farts-on-kid-7guy-farts-on-kid-8guy-farts-on-kid-9Source: weknowmemes

 

Family Dinner Conversation – How Many Types Of Boobs Are There?

When the family get together around the dinner table, you just never know what the topic of conversation will be.  LOLOL

family-dinner-play-with-your-family

A family is at the dinner table.  The son asks his Father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The Father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 60 they are like onions.”

‘Onions?’ his son questioned.

“Yes, you see them and they make you want to cry”.

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked her own question.

‘Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?’

The Mother, surprised, smiles and answers; “Well dear, A man goes through three phases:

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 60’s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

‘A Christmas tree?’  the daughter asked.

“YES,  the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

family dinner tree

Source: jokideo

 

 

Fart Football

Are you up for a game of Fart Football?

 

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the man passes gas and says, “seven points!”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied “it’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown! Tie score…”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one goes and says, “Aha, I’m ahead 14 to 7.″

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on for the old man.  He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.  Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

 

fart football old-couple-bed

Source: funnyjunk

 

 

Teacher Has Best Response Ever To Sixth Grade Female Student

This teacher really does have the best reponse ever to her sixth grade student!  ROFLMAO

 

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: “Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. “Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?”

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. “How dare you ask such a question?” she says. “I’m going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!”

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary’s reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

teacherboopic

Yes, Sam?” says Mrs. Sampson. “Ma’am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye.”

“Very good, Sam. Thank you.”

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, “Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it’s clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed.”

Source: tickld

Design Fails That Should Have Been Discovered Prior To Completing

I think they need to go back to the drawing board with these design fails! LOLOL

 

Whatever the “F” means…

designfails01

Coming ain’t helping either.

designfails02

Carpeting like a boss!

designfails03

How do you propose we do that?

designfails04

That was clearly visible, c’mon…

designfails05

Mega reason to get in there.

designfails06 

Subliminal inception pencils.

designfails07 

When you make things just perfect, the sign is for noobs.

designfails08 

Should have studied Venn diagrams properly.

designfails09 

With that sticking out, and the yellow around, couldn’t have been much worse!

designfails10

Source: wittyfeed