The Nuns Confession

the nuns confession

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.

” The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.

“Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.” 

 

via

Little Johnny On Nuclear Power

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

 

 via

Naughty Pictures Guaranteed To Put A Smile On Your Face

A collection of funny but slightly naughty pictures to brighten your mood and hopefully give you a laugh or two. 🙂

 

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Via: regretfulmorning

When You Realize It Is Time To Move

No doubt about it, seriously might be time to MOVE!  

 

Hilarious Dark Humour Comics By Mr. Lovenstein

Mr. Lovenstein, aka J. L. Westover, draws hilarious dark humour comics with the most unexpected endings.  Mr. Lovenstein and his unusual sense of humour will definitely tickle your funny bone.

 

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Via: boredpanda

Wife Texts Husband She Brought A Dog Home While The Pic Shows A Coyote ….

When this wife, “Kayla Eby”, sends her husband Justin a text saying she brought home a dog,  but in the picture you can clearly tell it is a coyote,  hilarity ensues.  LOLOL

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Image credits: Kayla Eby

More info: Facebook

source: boredpanda

 

After Joining Marines Farm Kid Writes Letter Home

A young farm kid wrote home after joining the marines with this hilarious letter. A version of this has been floating around the web for a while, but a reader recently submitted this slightly altered version, and it’s a great read.

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Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Boom! Marine, farm kid, and a young girl? Doesn’t get much tougher than that.

 

Source: thedailyheadline

Celebrity Instagram Photos Hilariously Recreated By Celeste Barber

Celeste Barber, an Australian comedian, definitely has a talent for recreating Celebrity Instagram photos that will literally have you laughing your ass off.  Check them out!

 

1.  Dear hot husband, STOP acting like you love it!

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2  Living the dream

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3.  You guys make me want to hang my head out the window and scream “I’m better than everyone!”

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4.  Pull your hair.  Put on a full length jacket (if budget allows) and fall in the water.

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5.  Selfie game strong…

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6.  Bums…Balls…Boobs.

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7.  Being a Model is much harder than you think.

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8.  Privileged people only travel in style.

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9.  Put your swimmers on.  Get a chicken…and take a photo.

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10 Hiking and twerking, obviously.

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11.  Don’t you hate it when you are doing your nails and you get a cramp?

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12. Remember to believe in your dreams.

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13. Lady Gaga an I progressing nicely at Paddle Board Yoga.

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14. Waking up feeling SEXY.

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15. Real love is perfect, flawless, acrobatic, stylised, timed and photogenic.

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16. F**k YOU gravity!

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17. Put on a Gimp an Iron Man mask and lie in the sand.

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18. Goooood morning Saturday!

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19. Hygiene is BIG business.

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20. Us Aussies know how to keep it nice.  Am I right?

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Source: boredpanda

 

My Dad And The Teenager With Spiked Rainbow Hair

My Dad And The Teenager With Spiked Rainbow Hair

 

I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he is 66).  We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him… the teenager had spiked hair in all different rainbow colors — blue, red, green and orange.  My dad kept staring at her.  The teenager would keep looking and my dad would be staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked,  “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response — I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and fucked a peacock.   Just wondering if you were my daughter.”

 

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Source: humortimes