Breakup Texts That’ll Crack You Up

Not all breakups are painful… Here are some really funny breakup texts which are just hilarious.  While some of them are done by mistake, others take the wittiness to another level.

 

#1  That girls has some balls…

#2  An English lover!

#3  Autocorrect’s a bitch!

#4  Two timing requires a good memory!

#5  Narrow escape!

#6  Never play that game… never!

#7  That’s one way to get your point across!

#8  That’s cruel!

#9  Never disclose your wishes!

#10  Witty!

#11  When you just won’t accept it!

#12  Epic!

#13  No coming back from it!

#14  Cheater detected!

#15  Who needs an enemy when you have friends like these…

#16  Witty and smooth!

#17  No pain … no gain!

#18  Witty!

#19  Sometimes things happen for the best!

 

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Hilarious Emergencies A Dog Would Have If They Could Dial 911

 

When you hear about a dog calling 911, it’s usually because their owner is having an emergency. But what would happen if a dog called 911 with its OWN idea of a crisis?

That’s the question that went through the mind of Twitter user Reverend Scott, and he’s come up with some pretty funny answers.

More info: Twitter (h/t: distractify) | Cover image credits: Kent Mathiesen

 

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Her Body’s A Temple

Her Body’s A Temple

body-isatemple

Patrick O’Malley hoisted his beer and said: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” – and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

 

In bed later that night, he told his wife: “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?”

So he told her: “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”

 

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”

She replied: “Aye – and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come”.

 
 via: irishjokes

 

Student Claims He Is Too Smart For First Grade, The Principal Has This Response

smart-kid

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied, “I’m too smart for the first grade, my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.” 

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to the principal. The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet. The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Johnny: “9.”

Principal: “6 x 6?”

Johnny: “36.”

And so it went on like this, the principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally after about an hour he told the teacher “I see no reason Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agree.

Teacher: “What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of?”

Johnny: “Legs”

Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?”

The principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says, “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Johnny: “Pants.”

Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”

Johnny: “Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

 

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Condom Slogan Jokes

These condom slogan jokes are right on the money!  😉

condomslogans

 

AT&T Condum:      Reach out and touch someone.

Campbell’s Condom:      Mmm, mmm, good.

Nike Condom:      Just do it.

Toyota Condom:      Oh, what a feeling! Who can ask for anything more?

Diet Pepsi Condom:     You got the right one, baby.

GE Condom:     We bring good things to life!

Pringles Condom:     Once you pop, you can’t stop.

Mentos Condom:      The freshmaker.

Doublemint Condom:      Double your pleasure, double your fun!

Secret Condom:      Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

Ford Condom:      The best never rest. Have you Driven a Ford Lately?

Chevy Condom:      Like a Rock.

Jeep-Eagle Condom:      There’s Only One Jeep (sold in singles only)

The Saturn Condom:      A *Different* Kind of Condom Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

NY Lotto Condom: ‘     Cause, hey — you never know.

Avis Condom:      Trying harder than ever.

Energizer Condom:      Keeps going and going …

KFC Condom:     Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condom:      Always the Real Thing.

Diet Coke Condom:      Just for the taste of it

Lays Condom:      Betcha can’t have just one.

MCI Condoms:      For friends and family

Taco Bell Condom:      Get some before you go south of the border.

The Sears Latex Condom:     One coat is good for the entire winter.

Starburst Condom:     Gets Your Juices Flowin’

Bud-Light Condom:      Where’s the Love Man!

7-UP Condom:      The UN-Condom

Iomega Condom:      For All Your Stuff

Microsoft Condom:      Wherever you want to go today. We are universally compatible.

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Men Misunderstand So Many things Women Say

It is NO wonder men misunderstand women as they are very complicated individuals!

 

1.  I don’t want to talk about it

misunderstand21

She wants you to go away because she is still building up evidence against you.

2.  Nothing

misunerstand01

It is something. It is definitely something and you had better figure it out real quick.

3.  I’m not upset

misunderstand20

She’s upset

4.  Do I look fat in this?

misunderstand02

A better translation would be “Do you think I’m ugly?” and the answer is categorically “no”.

5.  Do you have to do this now?

misunderstand19

Also not a question. It means stop doing what you’re doing and prepare for further orders.

6.  Go ahead

misunderstand03

Do not misconstrue this as permission. In fact, it’s more of a dare. Actually, its always a dare. Don’t do it.

7.  What are you doing?

misunderstand18

This is actually not a question. It’s a statement akin to “You’re doing it wrong.”

8.  No

misunderstand04

It means “no”.

9.  We can go anywhere you want

misunderstand16

In most cases this means “You had better choose my favourite restaurant”.

10. Yes

misunderstand05

In most cases this also means no. There are exceptions but they are very hard to distinguish.

11. Thanks a lot

misunderstand15

It’s a very small distinction but this is actually the opposite of “thanks”. Under no circumstances should you say “you’re welcome”. Typically that would land you back at #15 (Whatever).

12. It would be nice if…

misunderstand06

Everything following the “if” is meant to be interpreted as an unconditional order.

13. Thanks

misunderstand14

It means thanks. Say “you’re welcome”.

14. Fine

misunderstand07

This means the argument is over and you lost.

15. Whatever

misunderstand13

This is like “fine” except significantly worse. In fact, many times it will follow #18 (Are you listening?).

16. It’s okay

misunderstand08

It’s never okay. This only means that she needs some time to figure out your punishment.

17. 5 minutes

misunderstand12

This depends on context. If she is getting dressed then it is most likely somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. If you are watching TV then it is closer to 0 minutes. As in “why are you watching TV right now when you should be doing something productive?”

18. Are you listening?

misunderstand09

You are not listening. There is no way to recover from this.

19. *Loud sigh*

misunderstand11

You might not think so, but this is actually a word and it can roughly be translated as “I can’t believe I have to stand here and put up with your stupidity”.

 

20. It’s up to you

misunderstand10

If you think this means you have freedom to choose then you are very, very mistaken. A much better translation would be “It’s up to you…to select the right choice which I know but I am not going to tell you because you should know.” Making the wrong choice will usually result in an “It’s okay (see #16).

21. We need to talk

misunderstand17You’re dead.

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Girls Night Out

girlsnightoutboo 

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone for a “girls night out.” They both were very faithful, loving wives… however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn’t want to ruin them… luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it… so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their “business” they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said “These girls nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!”

“That’s nothing!” said the other husband, “mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

“FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION… WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!”

 

via: coolbuddy

 

20 Things We Can Learn From Sheldon Cooper

Sheldon Cooper has some of the most hilarious ways of teaching us about physics and life in general on the hit show “The Big Bang Theory”!

1. Science.

20 Things We Can Learn From Sheldon Cooper

2. Relationships aren’t for everyone.

20 Things We Can Learn From Sheldon Cooper
CBS / Via bite.ca

3. Neither are organized sports.

CBS / Via giphy.com

4. Don’t put up with insults.

CBS / Via rebloggy.com

5. Don’t believe everything you hear.

6. Don’t be afraid of the future.

7. You should always tell the truth.

CBS / Via rebloggy.com

8. Lend an ear to anyone who needs to talk.

9. It’s OK to ask questions.

CBS / Via fodrizzle.com

10. It’s OK to be an introvert.

CBS / Via imgfave.com

11. It’s important to keep your emotions in check.

12. Maintaining friendships can be hard.

13. Getting away with things can be hard.

CBS / Via imgfave.com

14. Music is a great escape.

15. Exercise is important.

16. Be cautious of germs.

17. Give credit where credit is due.

18. Facial expressions mean everything.

19. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.

20. And last, but certainly not least, how to scare away a bird.

20 Things We Can Learn From Sheldon Cooper
CBS / Via giphy.com

The Nuns Confession

the nuns confession

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.

” The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.

“Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.” 

 

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Little Johnny On Nuclear Power

nuclear power

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

 

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When You Realize It Is Time To Move

No doubt about it, seriously might be time to MOVE!