Men Misunderstand So Many things Women Say

It is NO wonder men misunderstand women as they are very complicated individuals!

 

1.  I don’t want to talk about it

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She wants you to go away because she is still building up evidence against you.

2.  Nothing

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It is something. It is definitely something and you had better figure it out real quick.

3.  I’m not upset

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She’s upset

4.  Do I look fat in this?

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A better translation would be “Do you think I’m ugly?” and the answer is categorically “no”.

5.  Do you have to do this now?

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Also not a question. It means stop doing what you’re doing and prepare for further orders.

6.  Go ahead

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Do not misconstrue this as permission. In fact, it’s more of a dare. Actually, its always a dare. Don’t do it.

7.  What are you doing?

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This is actually not a question. It’s a statement akin to “You’re doing it wrong.”

8.  No

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It means “no”.

9.  We can go anywhere you want

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In most cases this means “You had better choose my favourite restaurant”.

10. Yes

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In most cases this also means no. There are exceptions but they are very hard to distinguish.

11. Thanks a lot

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It’s a very small distinction but this is actually the opposite of “thanks”. Under no circumstances should you say “you’re welcome”. Typically that would land you back at #15 (Whatever).

12. It would be nice if…

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Everything following the “if” is meant to be interpreted as an unconditional order.

13. Thanks

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It means thanks. Say “you’re welcome”.

14. Fine

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This means the argument is over and you lost.

15. Whatever

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This is like “fine” except significantly worse. In fact, many times it will follow #18 (Are you listening?).

16. It’s okay

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It’s never okay. This only means that she needs some time to figure out your punishment.

17. 5 minutes

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This depends on context. If she is getting dressed then it is most likely somewhere between 30 and 40 minutes. If you are watching TV then it is closer to 0 minutes. As in “why are you watching TV right now when you should be doing something productive?”

18. Are you listening?

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You are not listening. There is no way to recover from this.

19. *Loud sigh*

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You might not think so, but this is actually a word and it can roughly be translated as “I can’t believe I have to stand here and put up with your stupidity”.

 

20. It’s up to you

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If you think this means you have freedom to choose then you are very, very mistaken. A much better translation would be “It’s up to you…to select the right choice which I know but I am not going to tell you because you should know.” Making the wrong choice will usually result in an “It’s okay (see #16).

21. We need to talk

misunderstand17You’re dead.

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Why You Should Always Wear Underwear

After reading this funny story you may never go without underwear again.  LMAO!

 

ALWAYS WEAR UNDERWEAR

 

Source: funnyjunk

Motorcycle Ads Where Men Replaced Women – See The Funny Results

Switching up the gender norm for motorcycle ads, these images take real poses done by women in skimpy outfits but placed a man in the role.  The change is a tad shocking, as you realize just how ridiculous some of these poses and outfits are, yet seem so normal when it is a woman being featured.

 

Seems so normal…

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Until…

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Source: mtlblog

 

Family Dinner Conversation – How Many Types Of Boobs Are There?

When the family get together around the dinner table, you just never know what the topic of conversation will be.  LOLOL

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A family is at the dinner table.  The son asks his Father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The Father, surprised, answers, “Well son, there are three kinds of boobs:

In her 20’s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 60 they are like onions.”

‘Onions?’ his son questioned.

“Yes, you see them and they make you want to cry”.

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked her own question.

‘Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?’

The Mother, surprised, smiles and answers; “Well dear, A man goes through three phases:

In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 60’s, it is like a Christmas tree.”

‘A Christmas tree?’  the daughter asked.

“YES,  the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

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Source: jokideo

 

 

Dumbest Things Dads Have Said In The Delivery Room

These Dads totally blew it in the delivery room….don’t make their mistakes! 😉

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You know what we’re talking about. He’s utterly confused and can’t quite seem to grasp the exact pain you’re experiencing. That’s when he says one of these beautiful one-liners.

And all moms can relate.

That’s why we went to moms and asked them about the craziest things their partners said in the delivery room. Their answers will either have you nodding in agreement or thanking your partner for somehow managing to keep it together … and his foot out of his mouth:

  1. “‘That wasn’t so bad, was it?’ I almost punched my husband in the face.”

  2. “When our daughter decided to make her appearance at 38 weeks, my husband responded with, ‘Already? But the book says 40 weeks!'” 

  3. “I was in final stages of pushing on all fours when I pooped. For months afterwards, he would tell anyone who would listen, ‘I thought it was the head. And then it fell off.'”

  4. “The vagina is ruined!”

  5. “Oh my God, oh my God, why is it doing that?!’ he yelled as I was crowning.”

  6. “After 11 hours of labor and the epidural not working, my husband looked at me and said, ‘Honey, it can’t hurt that bad!’ I looked at him and replied, ‘come let me twist your testicles.’ He backed far, far away.”

  7. “I had been in labor for just about 15 hours, when my husband said this gem: ‘I think I’m just going to go home quickly and take a nap. Text me when anything changes.'”

  8. “I was already scheduled for an induction, but my water broke suddenly. I wake him up, and he says, ‘Can’t we just go when you have that induction?  I have golf in the morning, and it’s too late to call everyone to cancel!’ My son was born about 45 minutes later.”

  9. “He asked the doctor how soon we can have sex just minutes after I delivered our son.”

  10. “While delivering my son, I felt something coming out. I told my husband to get the nurse, so my dear, sweet, wonderful husband goes to the door and literally yelled into the hall, ‘MY WIFE HAS TO TAKE A DUMP!'”

  11. “My husband happened to peek while the doctor was sewing up my huge tear and then looks at me and says, ‘You’re never gonna s*** the same again.'”

  12. “He told me to ‘take it easy’ when I was cursing.”

  13. Sheesh, can you just reach in there and pull her out already?”

  14. “When I went into labor with my oldest, we were getting ready to leave for the hospital and my husband packed a pair of scissors. ‘Do I need to bring them, or does the hospital have some for me to use to cut the umbilical cord?'”

  15. “‘Where does it hurt,’ he asked. Where do you think?!”

  16. “When I finally asked for an epidural, he muttered from his spot on the couch across the room, ‘You don’t really need it…'”

  17. “How much longer?”

  18. “‘This is just like birthing heifers!’ He grew up on a farm, but still … “

  19. “Do you mind if I go get some food?”

  20. “‘Let me take this conference call,” he said. And then he did. For 45 minutes. I never let him live it down.”

  21. “Can I turn the TV up? I can’t hear over your moaning.”

  22. “To the doctor, he said, ‘Can you put a few extra stitches in that to keep things tight?'”

  23. “Wake me up when it’s time to push.”

  24. “‘I don’t think I want to do this again,’ he said. Oh really, you? This was hard on you?!”

  25. “‘Do you think my mom can come in?’ he asked. No, for the thousandth time, I don’t want your mother in this room.”

  26. “I was really out of it because they had given me Ambien. I would wake up with each contraction talking about how I didn’t think I could do it. Since I didn’t remember what he was saying anyway, he started having fun by responding ‘I know’ or ‘nope, you can’t do it’.”

  27. “He kept saying over and over again, ‘OK, let’s regroup.’ The nurse asked me if he was in the military. I said no, but he’s going to be in the hall if he keeps saying that.”

Source: thestir.cafemom

 

Men Hilariously Describe What a Period Feels Like

Somebody asked the men of Reddit to explain what they thought a period felt like….these are the hilarious results!  LOLOL

 

menperiod01Source: mlpforums.com
menperiod02Source: addictedfitnessrx.wordpress.com
menperiod03Source: giphy.com
menperiod04Source: imgur.com
menperiod05Source: imgur.com
manperiod06Source: eatliver.com
manperiod07Source: youtube.com
manperiod08Source: goonswithspoons.com
menperiod09Source: BostonFan781
menperiod10Source: giphy.com
menperiod11Source: thumbpress.com
menperiod12Source: yourepeat.com
menperiod13Source: popsugar.com
menperiodfrodoSource: dicelfico.blogspot.com
menperiod15Source: uproxx.com
menperiod16Source: lostinsuburbia.com
menperiod17Source: uncyclopedia.wikia.com
menperiod18Source: themetapicture.com
menperiod19Source: vigilantforums.com

 

Source Via: distractify

 

Getting The Last Laugh

Don’t you just love it, when you get the last laugh?  That sure was the case for this woman!   ROFLMAO!

 

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for his young secretary…hmmm, is any of this sounding familiar?

His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple’s multimillion dollar home, and since the man’s lawyers were a little better, he prevailed. Again, having the right lawyer — and of course, the lawyer with the right connections — in court is critical!

He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out. She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay. What is it with Chardonnay and women in distress…I had a client in Malibu that wiped out huge suppies of this wine for weeks, till I showed up — and I think her soon to be X was drinking “Jack!”

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit…Repairmen refused to work in the house… The maid quit…Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and they decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things weregoing. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back…

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth — but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home…

… including the curtain rods.

gettinglastlaugh

Source Via: desperateexes.com

 

 

New EPIC Beards by Mr. Incredibeard

Mr. Incredibeard, who is also known by some as Isaiah Webb, has been perfecting his beard-crafting skills since 2012, so he’s at the top of his hair-styling game right now. His beard sculptures are some of the most advanced we’ve ever seen. Check it out!

 

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Source Via: boredpanda.com

 

WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP!!!

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says, “I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”

The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ‘Now don’t be silly, dear – you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, “Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?”

The wife smiles demurely and says, “Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.”

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, “Woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?”

The officer frowns and says, ”And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt, sir.  That’s an automatic $75 fine.”

The driver says, ‘Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket”.

The wife says, “Now, dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on.  You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.”

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP”?

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The officer looks over at the woman and asks, “Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma’am? “

I love this part…….

“Only when he’s been drinking.”

Source Via: usaone.net/jokenet

23 Reasons Why Getting Your Period Is Worse Than The Apocalypse

Comparing a period to an apocalypse is really not that far off!  LMAO!

1. Everything you do opens the floodgates.

period1Source: imgur.com

“Every breath you take, every move you make, every step you take, I’ll be exiting your body with the force of Niagara Falls.”

2. It makes laundry more complicated.

period2Source: 9gag.com

But hey, now you can add “knows how to get blood out of everything” to your resume.

3. You have to remember to take extra supplies with you EVERYWHERE.

period3Source: theperiodstore.com

Yes, that is a tampon in my glove box.

4. The pain. OH GOD, THE PAIN.

period4Source: slowrobot.com

Apparently, there’s a demon hanging out in my abdomen. Cool.

5. Part of you really wants sex, but the other part of you feels disgusting and achy and very, very unsexy.

period5Source: imgur.com

Note to men: this move is not a panty-dropper no matter what time of the month it is.

6. Literally anything can trigger a fit of rage or a flood of tears.

period6Source: pleated-jeans.com

I fail to see anything irrational about this photo.

7. Certain items of clothing are off limits.

period7Source: cafemom.com

I don’t care if I’m wearing a tampon and two overnight pads; this is not happening.

8. Your cravings are ridiculously intense.

period8Source: lifelooksbetterinblack.com

Yes, I know the difference between want and need. The latter describes my relationship with an entire bag of Doritos.

9. Your face becomes a small-scale mountain range.

period9Source: joyreactor.com

Don’t worry; it’ll clear up just in time for your next menstruation-related breakout.

10. Period poops wreck your colon and your plumbing.

period10Source: funny-pics-fun.com

Because you don’t feel gross enough as it is.

11. It is impossible to get comfortable.

period11Source: Youtube.com via wattpad.com

Hey, it doesn’t hurt so bad if I lie down like thi—-OH SWEET MERCY NEVER MIND.

12. You are constantly exhausted.

period12Source: Disney via madamenoire.com

I’m not even ashamed that my twenty minute nap lasted for three hours.

13. If you live alone, you might have to get out of bed and get the stuff you need ALL BY YOURSELF.

period13Source: pinterest.com

I don’t know who this guy is, but I’m already planning our future together.

14. There are (many) times when NOTHING helps.

period14Source: themetapicture.com

I puked up the Midol and the heating pad is collaborating with my fever to make me poop more and can you please just leave me alone to die?

15. There is never a convenient time for it to come.

period15Source: buzzfeed.com

This week, I’m probably going to finally hook up with that hot guy I’ve been seeing. Next week, I have a race that I’ve spent the last four months training for. Can you maybe just skip this month?

16. Your bloating situation gets out of control.

period16Source: Flickr user smafty

You want a piece of this sweet muffin top?

17. You laugh in the face of physical activity.

period17Source: imgur.com

If it involves more effort than rolling over in my sleep, it’s not happening.

18. You have to whip out the dreaded period panties.

period18Source: diskusjon.no

You stay away from my sexy lingerie, Mother Nature.

19. If you wear tampons, you live in constant fear of getting toxic shock syndrome.

period19Source: melsanchez.typepadcom

Has it been eight hours? DEATH IS IMMINENT.

20. If you wear pads, you run the risk of things getting a little too squishy.

period20Source: pinterest.com

Either I just sat on mashed potatoes or I need to make a bathroom run.

21. The wrappers for both products are louder than the average fireworks show.

period21Source: meninmenstruation.com

I don’t care that you know that I’m on my period. I just don’t want you to think I’m eating Sun Chips in a public bathroom.

22. Garbage day is intense.

period22Source: becomingcrunchy.com

It’s like an all-you-can-eat buffet for vampires.

23. Everything you need costs a small fortune.

period23Source: whorange.net

Ah, the sweet sensation of spending half your paycheck to catch the blood flowing from your uterus.

24. But hey, at least you’re not pregnant!

period24Source: ravelry.com

Via: distractify.com

Irish Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor. ‘Not a chance’, she said. ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’ ‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’.  It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it, give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..’

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, ‘Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!  T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!’

‘Really? What happened?’ asked the doctor…

‘Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely!  With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!  It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!’

‘Why so terrible?’ asked the doctor, ‘ Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn’t good?’

‘Freakin’ jaysus, ’twas the best sex I’ve had in 25 years!  But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

viagragreen