After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me”.
“Trust me,” said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.
In case you forgot…Here’s some important reminders why birth control exists.
1. Because no one should wake up like this in the morning:
2. Or like this in the afternoon:
3. Because toothpaste should never be a decoration:
4. Because pillows shouldn’t be disrespected like this:
5. Because not everything is waterproof:
6. Because peanut butter is not an effective way to paint the kitchen:
7. Because keyboard keys are not meant to be used as currency:
8. Because no one’s walls should look like this:
9. Because a present to the face is the worst kind of Christmas present:
10. Because shirts don’t work like this:
11. Because your carpet doesn’t look better in blue:
12. Because no one needs this kind of car decal:
13. Because this is terrifying:
14. Because your physical well-being is important:
15. Because no one needs to go through this war zone:
16. Because you really need to watch your shows:
17. Because you need a coffee more than anything else in the world:
18. Because no one should have to deal with this:
19. Because this poor stuffed animal did nothing to deserve this:
20. Because of the laws of physics:
21. Because a shovel is not part of a balanced diet:
22. Because you’ve got places to go:
23. Because no one should look this joyous around chalk body lines:
24. Because markers don’t make a good computer stylus:
25. Because of the poor, poor retail workers of the world:
26. Because magazines are for reading, not for flushing:
But mostly for your own sanity.
Could you imagine if Quentin Tarantino did actually write children’s books? LOL
What, you ask, is ‘Butt dust’? What do you do or say, when an innocent child asks you something so innocent and they are so serious? Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister… After a while he asked: ‘Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?’
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, ‘If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.’
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. ‘I love you so much that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.’
BRITTANY (age 4) had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: ‘How does it know it’s me?’
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. ‘Please don’t give me this juice again,’ she said, ‘It makes my teeth cough.’
DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: ‘How much do I cost?’
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, ‘I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?’
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: ‘Why is he whispering in her mouth?’
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, ‘Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?’
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: ‘The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. ‘ Concerned, James asked: ‘What happened to the flea?’
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget….
This particular Sunday sermon… ‘Dear Lord,’ the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
‘Without you, we are but dust….’ He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, ‘Mom, what is butt dust?’
When you take a 6 year old boy to a nude beach, you can expect the unexpected! 😉
A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach…
As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.
She tells her son, ‘The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.’
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.
She replies, ‘The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.’
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play
Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:
‘Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.’
Toys from your childhood could be worth a fortune. You might want to give your parents a call to check out that old closet and see if you have any of these toys which have now become treasures!
A Jurassic Park toy:
These Fisher Price skates:
Nickelodeon alarm clock:
Your rarest Pokemon card:
Mario Kart 64:
Lego Pirate Ship:
An Easy Bake Oven
Hot Shot Basketball:
The Original Furby:
A Super Soaker:
Ninja Turtles action figure:
And sadly, your Beanie Babies collection is still worth nothing:
Source Via: dose.com
Source Via: buzzfeed.com