How To Silence Your Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs.

Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.

A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time.  But it worked!  I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the taxi was deafening…..

silence taxi driver

 

Source: reddit

 

30 Signs Your Cat Might Be Plotting To Kill You

Do you ever get the feeling your cat might be plotting to kill you?  These felines just may raise some concern! LOLOL

 

They give you this face after a bath.

catstrykill02Source: imgur.com

You catch them staring at you from behind a wall.

catstrykill04Source: imgur.com

They whisper in tongues when they want to be let in.

catstrykill06Source: imgur.com

You get the feeling that someone is always watching you… and it’s always them.

catstrykill08Source: imgur.com

You’ve found the words “You’re next” written in mouse blood on your books.

catstrykill10Source: weknowmemes.com

You’ve sworn that their ears are turning into devil horns… but that’s just your imagination, right?

catstrykill12Source: ign.com

WRONG!

catstrykill13Source: deathandtaxes.com

They’ve started to take on oddly human-like features.

catstrykill14Source: handfulofcute.com

You frequently find them scheming in strange places.

catstrykill16Source: imgur.com

They always sit in the places where the light makes them look extra creepy.

catstrykill18Source: veryfunnypics.eu

You’re starting to feel like they’re targeting your other pets as well.

catstrykill20Source: cutestcatpics.com

They have begun stalking your family members.

catstrykill22Source: imgur.com

You’ve caught them watching you everywhere you go.

catstrykill24Source: imgur.com

They’ve tried to smother you in your sleep.

catstrykill26Source: imgur.com

They look way too much like the evil masterminds you see in movies.

catstrykill28Source: imgur.com

They’ve started to find new angles of attack.

catstrykill29Source: instagram.com

They hover over you as you sleep.

catstrykill01Source: Acid Cow

They give you this face for any reason whatsoever.

catstrykill03Source: imgur.oom

You hear mechanical noises when their eyes glow.

catstrykill05Source: imgur.com

You often feel like you need an adult when you’re around them.

catstrykill07Source: imgur.com

They rub their paws together and say, “Yes… YESSSS.”

catstrykill09Source: imgur.com

Their meows sound suspiciously like the word “soon.”

catstrykill11Source: dumpaday.com

You’re never sure if they’re coughing up a hairball or just laughing maniacally.

catstrykill15Source: worldcat.org

This happens.

catstrykill17Source: veryfunnypics.eu

Everything you do provokes a look of disgust from them.

catstrykill19Source: reddit.com

They’ve been a little “different” since they were kittens.

catstrykill21Source: imgkid.com

They’ve started to eat your food. ALL of your food.

catstrykill23Source: imgur.com

They’re starting to resemble an actual supervillain.

catstrykill25Source: imgur.com

You’ve suspected that they know how to use electricity to their advantage.

catstrykill27Source: imgur.com

They try to be friendly, when in reality, they OH GOD PLEASE SOMEONE SAVE ME!

catstrykill30Source: imgur.com

Source: distractify