How To Silence Your Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs.

Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.

A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away. “Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time.  But it worked!  I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.”

The silence in the taxi was deafening…..

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Source: reddit

 

The Business Trip

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.  It was after midnight. 

While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.  The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! 

The husband puts a gun to the man’s head.  The wife shouts, “Don’t do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.  HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.  HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.  HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol.  HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.  He looks over at the cab driver and says “What would you do?” 

The cab driver replies, “I’d cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.”

 

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Source: funbull