Breakup Texts That’ll Crack You Up

Not all breakups are painful… Here are some really funny breakup texts which are just hilarious.  While some of them are done by mistake, others take the wittiness to another level.

 

#1  That girls has some balls…

#2  An English lover!

#3  Autocorrect’s a bitch!

#4  Two timing requires a good memory!

#5  Narrow escape!

#6  Never play that game… never!

#7  That’s one way to get your point across!

#8  That’s cruel!

#9  Never disclose your wishes!

#10  Witty!

#11  When you just won’t accept it!

#12  Epic!

#13  No coming back from it!

#14  Cheater detected!

#15  Who needs an enemy when you have friends like these…

#16  Witty and smooth!

#17  No pain … no gain!

#18  Witty!

#19  Sometimes things happen for the best!

 

source:

When You Realize It Is Time To Move

No doubt about it, seriously might be time to MOVE!  

 

Looks Like FedEx Hired Some Comedians

By the looks of these maintenance problems and solutions, FedEx aircraft mechanics might actually have a chance at being stand-up comedians! These solutions are TOO FUNNY!

 

fedexcomedians

Via: quickmeme.com

After Joining Marines Farm Kid Writes Letter Home

A young farm kid wrote home after joining the marines with this hilarious letter. A version of this has been floating around the web for a while, but a reader recently submitted this slightly altered version, and it’s a great read.

marineletters

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting used to it, so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much.

We go on “route marches,” which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it’s not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move, and it ain’t shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I’m only 5’6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6’8″ and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Boom! Marine, farm kid, and a young girl? Doesn’t get much tougher than that.

 

Source: thedailyheadline

Motorcycle Ads Where Men Replaced Women – See The Funny Results

Switching up the gender norm for motorcycle ads, these images take real poses done by women in skimpy outfits but placed a man in the role.  The change is a tad shocking, as you realize just how ridiculous some of these poses and outfits are, yet seem so normal when it is a woman being featured.

 

Seems so normal…

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Until…

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Source: mtlblog

 

How Likely Are You To Cheat? See What Your Horoscope Sign Might Reveal

Some people are more tempted than others to cheat.  Is it possible your horoscope sign can reveal the relationship mistakes you are going to make? Maybe even if you are prone to cheating?  See below to check out what your odds are.

 

VIRGO

Virgos are often reliable, smart and practical. But they can be perfectionists, cranky and negative. All these different sides of you add up to you being faithful, although you may cheat out of spite. Try to stay level-headed and work on making your current thing perfect.

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PISCES

Pisces are people who truly feel. Artistic in nature, they are also generous, compassionate and faithful. Though you have bouts of sadness and many fears, you detest being alone. Therefore, you are very likely NOT to cheat. But if you do happen to, you’ll feel much guilt over it for a long time. Having an equally creative and kind partner will boost your own good qualities and keep you stuck to them.

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LEO

Everyone knows Leos like to be the center of attention. But they are also proud, courageous and loyal. Despite your loyalty, your need to be in the spotlight may cause you to wander away to someone who will put you on a pedestal. Make sure your partner knows you need extra attention like gifts and sex.

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AQUARIUS

An aquarius is hard not to love. They are truthful, fair and affectionate. Yet you may be unpredictable and you’re interested in many things, so it makes it hard for you to focus on just one. Though you are flirty, you are a one guy/gal kinda person. Lock that down!

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CANCER

While Cancers are very emotional, they still need stability. You may be pessimistic about your current relationship, but your loyalty will make you less likely to cheat than other signs. While you often put others first, you may drag on a dead relationship for fear of hurting the other person.

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CAPRICORN

Determination and ambition are both enviable qualities. You are, however, also conceited and untrusting. Both the positives and negatives about you may want you to jump in the sack with someone at work. You need a partner who is as driven and career focused as you. No scrubs!

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GEMINI

Ah, the twins. Gemini have a lot of facets to their personality, which makes them indecisive. Their good qualities are that they are sociable, communicative and fun. But because you are restless, you might get swept away by a stranger who can give you what your current partner cannot. Try making a list of your current man/woman’s positive traits and learn to fall in love with them again.

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SAGITTARIUS

Curious, energetic and extroverted, a Sagittarius loves life. Because of your wanderlust, you often grow impatient. You are also bad at keeping things on the DL, so an affair wouldn’t be kept secret. You could stray if your partner isn’t giving you what you need in the bedroom. So communicate with your S.O. and tell them to spice it up.

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TAURUS

Taurus are reliable, sensual, loyal and practical. They are, however, stubborn and possessive. While you might see the word “loyal” and think you won’t cheat, being sensual is also a major part of your personality. There’s a good chance you might look elsewhere. While others rely on you, it’s hard for you to rely on others. Spice up things with your partner in the bedroom!

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SCORPIO

Scorpios are notoriously sexy and passionate. They like to sow their wild oats, be as fierce as Tyra and intense with everything and everyone. But you actually crave security and devotion making you less likely to cheat than find that special someone for the long haul.

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ARIES

Aries are supposed to be spontaneous, daring, active and energetic. In their faults, Aries are vain, egotistic and impatient. So it’s no wonder they have a wandering eye. If you’re partner doesn’t put your first, you have a tendency to say, “Bye, Felicia!” Communication is especially important when you are an Aries.

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LIBRA

Hot and heavy, Libras appreciate the beautiful things in life. You might stress yourself out because it’s hard for you to say no to people. You’d think it’d make sense for you to be a cheater, you probably won’t do it physically. But you will admire prospects from afar. There’s nothing wrong with a little crush!

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Source: americanflare

 

 

 

A Ton Of F*cks

ton of fucks

You’re born with a ton of fucks to give, so you spend them like a kid with a credit card. You give fucks about your friends, about your grades, about your fashion sense, about strangers’ opinions. You give way too many fucks about way too many things. You have so many.

Then, as you get older, you have maybe 10 fucks per month, so you learn to budget them. You allocate fucks to family and career, but there aren’t enough fucks to give to the newest fads. Oh, someone at work has something they need my help with that’s outside my job title? I’ll do my best to allocate some fucks, but this month is pretty tight.

Then, as you get even older, you’re down to 1-2 fucks per month, and those fucks are pretty damn precious. You give them to your family and your hobbies and your job, and that’s kinda it. It’s not your fault – fucks expire too quickly. I would’ve liked to save my fucks from when I was younger, but I can’t.

Then, you hit fuck insolvency. You’re getting like 1 fuck a year, and you have to make it last. So you go without, and even previously fuck-worthy things, you just can’t give a fuck. Some people run out really quickly, Some people have a fuck trust fund that pays out a decent amount even into old age.

But at some point, the fuck faucet runs completely dry and you’re out of fucks to give. It’s just basic Fuckonomics.

Via: Oflispeaks.com

The Fat Jew

 

Man Makes The Staff At Walmart Lose Their Minds

This man had some fun at the expense of the Walmart staff!

 

This is a rough drawing of the signature that I provided:

Yes, I know, it’s not my best artwork, but I didn’t have the time to be elaborate with the drawing. I had to look like I was providing a signature. Right after I hit “OK”, there was a pause. The register then said “COMPARE SIGNATURE ON SLIP TO CARD.” One thought popped in my head: “OH *!”

It then printed the receipt and there in black and white was my drawing of a johnson and balls. The lady at the register didn’t immediately look at it. She asked for the card. I handed her the card and she flipped it over. Then she brought up the receipt and she smirked, but then took a stern tone and said “These signatures don’t match.”

At this point I was in tears from trying to hold back my laughter. I tried to explain to her why I had done it, but it didn’t matter. I probably didn’t make sense as I laughed hysterically through the explanation. She then paged the manager and I erupted in laughter. The guy behind me in line got a glimpse of my signature on the receipt and began laughing. The manager comes up and the woman from the register begins whispering to him. I then hear a few words “he drew a penis…” as she holds up the receipt. The manager blurts out a short laugh and then controls it. He turns to me and I’m out of breath from laughing and I’m still giggling like a schoolgirl.

Manager: Sir, your signature…heh…umm…doesn’t match the signature on your card.

Me: I know and there is a good reason for that.

Manager: (quietly) You drew a penis on my credit card machine.

**The guy behind me bursts into laughter.**

Me: Yeah, I didn’t think this would happen. I’ve been trying to see how far I could go with my signature before the credit card company did something about it.

Manager: I guess you learned your lesson.

Me: Yeah, the credit card doesn’t accept penis.

**The guy behind me now can’t stop laughing.**

Manager: OK, I’m going to decline the signature and have you sign it again.

Me: Fair enough.

Manager: This time, really sign it.

So I had to sign it again and they wouldn’t let me keep my artwork. Those bastards. I had single-handedly broken up the monotony of their daily routine and given them something that they will be talking about for years to come and they wouldn’t let me keep it. They will tell their grandchildren about the guy that drew a johnson and balls as his credit card signature.

So I have a plan now. I’m going to get a new credit card and sign the back with my johnson and balls drawing. Then I will consistently use that as the signature. That way, if I ever get caught in the same situation, the signatures will match. That will really mess with them.

Source: tickld

Guy Takes Matters Into His Own Hands After Hearing Kids Abusive Remarks To His Mother

This guy may or may not have taught the abusive little brat anything but I bet it was an experience he won’t soon forget!  LMAO

 

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Student Captures People’s Faces When Told They Are Beautiful

An 18 year old student from Chicago, named Shea Glover, conducted an independent project which evidently turned into a social experiment regarding beauty.

She invited a bunch of people, some of whom she knew, some total strangers, and asked them to pose in front of her camera. As they were standing there, Glover would tell them the purpose of her project:

“I’m taking pictures of things I find beautiful,” she said…

The impact of her words had a very emotional effect on her subjects.  Check out the pictures and the video below to see the effect of what one kind word can do for you.

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Watch the full video below and see their reactions for yourself:

[wpsm_video]https://www.youtube.com/embed/aW8BDgLpZkI[/wpsm_video]
Source: youtube

Via: aplus

Craigslist Ad For Dog Walker Goes Viral

craigslist ad dog walkerVia: ifweweredogs

A dog-walking Craigslist ad has gone viral on the internet, and for good reason: It’s hilarious.

Why you ask?

Well, first here’s the intro:

HEY RICH-ASS DOG OWNERS:

Are you at the office 23 hours a day in a coke-fueled effort to squeeze every last penny out of your 20’s and 30’s?

Are you going out of town with your post-divorce trophy-girlfriend to visit your slave ship collection in the Barbados?

Do you work for a corporation that received Tarp money?

I AM YOUR DOG-WALKER

And then it continues with beauties such as:

Do I have experience walking dogs?

I’M A HUMAN BEING, OF COURSE I HAVE EXPERIENCE WALKING DOGS. THIS ISN’T LINEAR ALGEBRA, FOLKS; ITS DOG-WALKING

Are you one of those prototypical American success stories who worked your way up from nothing to live the dream, and now you want to gloat over an Ivy League grad who has been reduced to posting a dog-walking classified on skeezy-ass Craigslist?

You can shadow me while I walk! Take pictures of my pathetic face as I handle your dog’s feces with nothing but a plastic bag over my hand! I’ll wear my Princeton lettermen’s Sweater! I might even Cry!

And:

I’M JUST A GUY WHO WANTS YOUR MONEY AND WILL WALK YOUR DOG TO GET IT.

Do I do overnights?

YOU BET YOUR BOATHOUSE, BUDDY!

I will sleep in your sweet-ass apartment and tend to your dog while doing it. Don’t want my poor-person skin sullying your ostrich-feather sheets? I’ll sleep on the floor! Don’t want my poor-person hair secreting oils all over the pearl-white tiles? I’ll sleep in the crate with the dog! Sh*t as long as I’m allowed to turn on the heat, I’ll curl up in a ball and sleep in your sink WHILE THE WATER RUNS OVER MY NAKED BODY!

Am I going to steal your jewelry? No I’m not. Am i going to jack your electronics? No way man. Am i gonna eat some of your food? Probably, but nothing you’ll miss, maybe an apple.

Then ends on this note:

I’M NOT ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH IN YOUR FOIE GRAS, MONEYBAGS.

I’m a good guy, and I’m just looking to make a little extra cash by chaperoning your dog around your stupid white bread sidewalks. So if your interested in the dopest, most swagged-out LEGEND OF THE UNIVERSE dog-walking champion in Seattle, reply to this ad and we’ll get started in making your dog happier than a Mormon on his honeymoon.

So act now, write me. I’m excited to meet you and your dog, and I’m sure…that your dog is excited to meet me, too.

Serious inquiries only, please

Sadly, this post isn’t actually for real. Mother Jones recently revealed that the postee actually uploaded it as a joke. However, he’s gotten a mountain of replies! As he told them when they reached out for comment:

“Ummm… I posted this as a joke. I have surprisingly gotten people that want me to walk their dogs. Ive got more marriage proposals and offers for sex more than anything. I prefer to remain anonymous but i will tell you that I am married with a daughter and contrary to my post (that is a joke) I make a comfortable living and I’m pretty much your average joe family man. The reason I posted it is to show what happens when you go to college and stack up student loans and dont have a plan afterwards. you’ll turn out having to walk dogs with a sh**ty outlook on society.”

Well played, sir. Well mutherpuppin’ played.

 

Source: barkpost

 

12 Things Men Do Differently To Women

Men and women will always do things differently…

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NICKNAMES

-If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

-If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.


EATING OUT

-When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

-When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

-A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

-A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but is on sale.


BATHROOMS

-A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush, toothpaste, razor, shampoo, soap and a towel.

-The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

-A woman has the last word in any argument.

-Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

-A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

-A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

-A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

-A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

-A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.

-A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

-A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

-A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

-Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

-Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

-A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

-A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT OF THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Via: tickld

 

Psychological Life Hacks To Give You An Advantage

These psychological life hacks have been practiced by successful people throughout the years. Maybe it’s time you took advantage of these mind tricks that can vastly improve your life! 

 

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Via: thumbpress.com