The Senior And The Skinny Dippers

This senior sure is one sly old fox!  LOL

 

An elderly man had owned a large farm for several years..

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast.

seniorskinny_dipping_girls

Source: hfao

 

How To Give A Cat A Pill

There is obviously NO easy way to give your cat a pill and if you ever attempt it, I am sure you will be reminded of this story!  ROFL

 

1)  Pick up cat and cradle it in the crock of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of the cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2)  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3)  Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4)  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while holding rear paws tightly with left hand   Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5)  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Retrieve spouse from outside.

6)  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees.  Hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by  cat.  Get spouse to hold hear firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7)  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8)  Wrap cat i large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible form below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9)  Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans.  Drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10)  Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11)  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot of scotch and drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check record for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw shirt away and fetch new on from bedroom.

12)  Call fire department to retrieve cat from across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13)  Tie the little &#^@’s front legs to rear legs with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold cat’s head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14)  consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the ER.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15)  Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

catpill

How To Give Your Dog A Pill

1)  Wrap pill in bacon.

2) Toss it in the air.

 

Source: medhelp

 

The Wash Cloth

The wash cloth maybe an old Gynecologist joke, but it is sure to make you smile!  😉

 

 

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the wash cloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the wash cloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mummy, where’s my wash cloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never!

 

Source: shortstories101

 

The Potty Mouth Parrot

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

 

Source: tickld

 

The Business Trip

mst-cab-driver-ln

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport.  It was after midnight. 

While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.  The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.  For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.  The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man! 

The husband puts a gun to the man’s head.  The wife shouts, “Don’t do it!  I lied when I told you I inherited money.  HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.  HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.  HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the Costa del Sol.  HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.  He looks over at the cab driver and says “What would you do?” 

The cab driver replies, “I’d cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold.”

 

businesstrip

Source: funbull

 

The Married Couple And The Accident

 

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.  The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.  So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.  The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.  After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty.  She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!  All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!  One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.  She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.  There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it.  I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

marriedcouple-coloring-page-outline-by-ron-leishman-13667

Source Via: reddit

 

Rude Hairdresser Gets Put In Her Place

I love how the client puts this RUDE hairdresser in her place!  She definitely had it coming!

 

A woman who was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband mentioned the trip to the hairdresser.

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? asked the hairdresser. “It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” she replied. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser.” That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on the Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman came in for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.”

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, one of the finest hotels in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”

“Oh, really! What’d he say ?”

He asked me, “Who screwed up your hair?”

 

hairdresser

Source Via: tickld

 

Sons Panic Over Pet Lizard Turns Out To Be Hysterically Funny

As kids most of us had one pet or another throughout our childhood that provided us with many fond memories and some of the funniest stories ever.  This one cracked me right up!  ROFLMAO

 

petlizardpetlizard2petlizard3

Source Via: tickld

 

The Alien Wife Swap

Hmnnn…..seems the Alien might have some bonus features us Earthlings might like!  😉

 

alien wife swap

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things.  Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

“Just how do you guys do it?” asked the Earthling.

“Pretty much the way you do,” responded the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.  The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.  He’s got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow.

“What can you do with THAT!?” exclaims the woman.

“Why?” he asked, “What’s the matter?”

“Well,” she replied, “it’s nowhere near long enough.  It’ll never reach!”

“No problem,” he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm.  With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. “Well,” she said.  “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”

“No problem,” he said again and started pulling his ears.  With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman.

“Wow!” she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.  The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together.

As they walked along the Earthling male said, “Well, was it any good?”  “I hate to say it,” she said, “but it was really wonderful.  How about you?” “Well,” he said, “It was the weirdest thing.  She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night.”

 

Source Via: jokes4us.com

 

 

Lipstick On The Mirror

NO more lipstick on the mirror at this school!  LMFAO!!

lipstick-mirror-

At a large private high school somewhere in the Midwest, a young girl created a mini-scandal when she made an impression on the bathroom mirror of her lips in bright red lipstick. The principal, a bright, well-educated woman with more than 20 years of experience in public school administration, was appalled. She immediately addressed the students over the school intercom:

“It has come to my attention that someone has been leaving an impression of their lips on the mirror in the second-floor girl’s bathroom with her lipstick. This behavior is considered vandalism and will not be tolerated. I hope that whoever is responsible for this will not do it again and will apologize for her inconsiderate actions. And I will warn you all that if this incident is repeated, all guilty parties will be suspended for a period of one week. I trust I won’t have to address this problem again.”

Naturally, the principal’s announcement had precisely the opposite effect. Despite the teacher’s best efforts, an epidemic of lipstick imprints galloped through the girl’s bathrooms. In desperation, the principal listened to an idea from the school janitor and allowed him to try it.

The janitor gathered together about five junior and senior girls who were the unofficial leaders of their classes and led them into one of the bathrooms with a bucket and a washrag in his hands. “I wanted to show you girls just how difficult it is to wash this lipstick off the mirrors,” he told them. The girls rolled their eyes, folded their arms, and otherwise signaled their utter indifference.

The janitor then proceeded into one of the stalls, dipped his washrag in the toilet, and swirled it around in the water. He went over to the lipstick on the mirror and wiped it off with the toilet-water-soaked-rag. Wide-eyed horror replaced the expressions of boredom as the janitor finished wiping down the mirrors.

The lipstick problem ended almost immediately.

 

Source Via: franciskong.com