The Tablets

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that ‘help’ get an erection.

 

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills….  

I’m still looking for a place to live!

 

tablets

Cat Got Your Tongue?

We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this “Cat Got Your Tongue” story!  LOLOL

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head  injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozey to explain the bandage on the top of my head.

The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

“Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.”

“You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. “Reset it yourself!”

“But I’m scared!” she persisted. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” There was a meaningful pause and then, “C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and  stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are  sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink  and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of “been-there, done-that” paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter–and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

“What’s the matter?” They all asked, “Cat got your tongue?”

 

cat got your tongue

Source: thatsembarrassing

Up Or Down

At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.

Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

“Do you want to go up or down?”

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady, “Up or down ?”

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and they were there the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down ?”

The woman replied, “Down.”

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,”Up or down ?”

She replied, “Up.”

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me.   Now today, nothing!”

She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.”

 

senior luncheon grandma-and-grandpa-fishing-1024x697

Source:  ebaumsworld

 

 

The Avalanche

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’ He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’ 

 ‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.  ‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’ So the parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?’ they said.

 ‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy. I don’t know her name – they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.’

 ‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ‘she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.’ So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

 He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

 ‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money….

 

 So I did.’

avalanche

Source: walleyecentral

 

The Nude Beach

When you take a 6 year old boy to a nude beach, you can expect the unexpected!  😉

 

nude beach boo

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach…

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother’s, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, ‘The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.’

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, ‘The bigger they are, the dumber the man is.’

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

‘Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.’

Source: yahoo

 

Customer Comes To The Aid Of A Female Server In Fine Fashion

We need  more people to respond like this fine customer did!

waitress-taking-order-375x250

We all know that one customer, the guy who makes it hard for the people who are just working there, and along the way, everyone else in the store.  We all wish we could do something about that person.

Here’s a nice little story of revenge, that we can’t all pull off, but we’d all love to see.

Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”

(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)

Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”

(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)

Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”

Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”

Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”

(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)

Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”

(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)

Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”

(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)

Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”

Me: “I-I-I, um…”

Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”

Me: “Uh, you, um…”

Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”

Source: tickld

A Message From The Queen

queenelizabethii

 

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (Presented to our American cousins with affectionate humour!)

In light of your continued failure to sensibly elect a candidate as President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves properly (just count up who voted for who, for Heaven’s sake!) we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

———————–

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

————————

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

——————-

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. If you must have fireworks in the middle of the year, you may celebrate Her Majesty’s birthday, although admittedly most of her existing subjects don’t bother.

—————–

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

———————-

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

———————-

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

——————–

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

——————-

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

——————-

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

———————

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

———————

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

———————

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

——————–

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

—————–

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

—————

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

 

Source: lotro

20 Jokes That Are So Bad They’re Actually Funny

Jokes like these might make you groan, but they should also make you laugh!

jokesbad

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”

“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”

“Is it common?”

Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”

“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.

“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good…) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

 

Source: tickld

 

The Pregnant Lady And The Bus Ride

 

 I would have completely cracked up too!  LMFAO!

 

Pregnant woman sitting in a priority seat on a London bus, England, UK

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus, she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.  She immediately moved to another seat.  This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.  The man seemed more amused.  When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The young man replied,
Well your Honour, it was like this:  When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.  She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.  Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile.  Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.

“CASE DISMISSED!!”

 

Source: fer

 

Wife Tries To Keep Her Husband From Falling Asleep In Church

Maybe not the best method to try and keep your husband from falling asleep in church!  LMFAO

 

sleepinginchurch

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem — my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hat pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will nod to you at specific times. When I nod, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!” Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hat pin.

“Yes, you are right, my son,” said the minister.

Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
“Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

“God!” Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hat pin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hat pin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that god damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your a**!!!!!”

 

Source: tickld

 

The Texas Chili Cook-Off Challenge

Sounds like they enjoy their Chili HOT in Texas!  LMFAO

Chili Cook-Off

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to
the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes
around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San
Antonio City Park.
————————————————————————————————-
Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI. 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…

Judge… 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge… 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge… 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI. 2 – ARIAL AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI…

Judge… 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge… 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge… 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what
I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI. 3 – FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…

Judge… 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge… 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge… 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting @!&&-faced
from all of the beer.

CHILI. 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…

Judge… 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge… 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge… 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI. 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…

Judge… 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge… 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge… 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI. 6 – VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…

Judge… 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge… 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb

Judge… 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to
wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI. 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…

Judge… 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.

Judge… 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge … 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

Judge… 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what
killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful. Screw it;
I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI. 8 – BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…

Judge… 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge… 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge…3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge… 3 – No Report.

Source: bimmerpost