We’ve all had trouble with our animals, but I don’t think anyone can top this “Cat Got Your Tongue” story! LOLOL
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I’m lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozey to explain the bandage on the top of my head.
The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
“Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.”
“You know where the button is,” I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. “Reset it yourself!”
“But I’m scared!” she persisted. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” There was a meaningful pause and then, “C’mon, it’ll only take you a second.”
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn’t the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight” syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight” option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of “been-there, done-that” paramedics. Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter–and not succeeding.
Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.
“What’s the matter?” They all asked, “Cat got your tongue?”
We need more people to respond like this fine customer did!
We all know that one customer, the guy who makes it hard for the people who are just working there, and along the way, everyone else in the store. We all wish we could do something about that person.
Here’s a nice little story of revenge, that we can’t all pull off, but we’d all love to see.
Customer #1: “Thank God, this line is taking forever.”
(There is no line at all, although the tables are mostly occupied.)
Me: “Sorry about the wait, sir. May I take your order?”
(The customer proceeds to rattle off a long, confusing, and often contradictory order, including such things as a meatless ham sandwich.)
Me: “Sir, I’m a little confused by your order. Do you mean—”
Customer #1: “—oh for God’s sake, I have to repeat myself now? Weren’t you paying attention the first time?”
Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t want to get anything wrong. You made a big order, and—”
Customer #1: *sighs* “I’ll repeat myself, but just this once. I hate dealing with lazy ignorant dropouts like you.”
(He repeats his order, but I understand it even less because I am trying not to cry. He finishes speaking and snaps his fingers at me.)
Customer #1: “Hello?! Punch it in, you dumb b****. I haven’t got all day, and—”
(Suddenly one of the other customers; a strongly-built man who has been quietly sitting at a nearby table, roars and leaps to his feet, flipping the table and spilling his coffee in the process.)
Customer #2: “GOD-D*** IT! ONE DAY OUT OF PRISON, AND ALREADY I HAVE TO MURDER AN IDIOT IN A COFFEE STORE!”
(The rude customer shrieks and flees from the store. I and the remaining customers stare at the man, who quietly picks up the table and comes over to the counter.)
Customer #2: “I’ll pay for any damage. If you could show me where the mops are, I’ll take care of the mess too.”
Me: “I-I-I, um…”
Customer #2: “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. There’s always gonna be an a** like that around.”
Me: “Uh, you, um…”
Customer #2: “Oh, the prison thing?” *laughs* “Never been in jail in my life. So, anyway, where’s that mop?”