Girls Night Out

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GIRLS NIGHT OUT

Two women friends had gone for a “girls night out.” They both were very faithful, loving wives… however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn’t want to ruin them… luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it… so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls completed their “business” they continued toward home.

The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said “These girls nights out have got to stop! I’m starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!”

“That’s nothing!” said the other husband, “mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

“FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION… WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!”

 

via: coolbuddy

 

House Looks Normal From Outside But Step Inside And OMG Purple

This house looks totally normal from the outside but once you step inside the purple is so overwhelming.  I like the colour purple but this is just too much.

Looking at it from the outside, you’d never know what hides behind the walls. Sure, this four-bedroom home in Middlesex, U.K. is beautiful, but unassuming.

People from all over the world were shocked when the home was put up for sale, and pictures of the interior were released. Purple EVERYWHERE!

In Europe, since the time of the Tyrian purple worn by Roman Emperors, purple has been the color most associated with royalty. It is still used by the British Royal Family and other royalty in Europe as a ceremonial color on special occasions.

In Europe and America, purple is the color most associated with vanity, extravagance, and individualism. Among the seven major sins, it represents vanity. It is a color which is used to attract attention. The carpet going up the bathtub walls is a humorous touch…

In parapsychology, people with purple auras are said to have a love of ritual and ceremony.

Garish or gorgeous? You decide. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder…

The estate agent said the interior has a “family-inspired design” that was maintained at the highest standard.

A potential buyer was reportedly lined up to buy the property, but no word as to who lives there now.

On the outside, the only hints of purple appear in the bundles of decorative lilac flowers.

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Fears Only Tall People Understand

We all know that short people might have some challenges because of their height but tall people experience more than a few every day fears as well because of their height too.

1. Wrong Clothes

Finding shoes and clothes to fit you is such a chore when you’re tall. It can be expensive to buy. Also it’s time consuming to find things that will fit you and not be too short or hurt your feet.tall-people02

2. Bending down

Holding a conversation basically means you have to look down on someone. Literally. Bending down or craning your neck to be at eye level is not fun.tall-people043. How Tall Are You

You might as well have a name tag with your height on it. People never ask your name, just your height.tall-people064. Desks

The most dreaded enemy of all tall people is the classroom desk. It’s basically a cramping prison for tall people.tall-people08

5. The Weather Joke

Being asked the dreaded weather question, “How’s the weather up there?” I’m sure every tall person has heard this question enough times to take up a career in meteorology. It’s not funny anymore.tall-people10

6. Small Door

Walking into a room and the doorway is too low. Knocking yourself out in a doorway can be pretty embarrassing. Also having to bend every time you pass through that doorway.tall-people01

7. Airplane Seats

Without enough legroom, cramping is inevitable for every airplane ride. You may have to spend more money and upgrade to first class.tall-people03

8. Basketball Skills

People will assume that you are awesome at basketball. Just because you are the same height as Shaq doesn’t mean you can dunk like he can. A lot of tall people can barely make a layup.tall-people05

9. Finding A Mattress

Finding a bed that will fit your height is next to impossible. Normal mattress stores do not carry extra long mattresses, so online is one of the only options is you don’t want your feet hanging over the edge.tall-people07

10. Being in the way.

Nobody wants to sit behind a tall person at the movies or other events. Sure, you can see perfectly well, but you might get complaints from the less vertically gifted people who are behind you.tall-people09

11. Hugs

Hugging can be difficult too, especially when your partner is sooo much taller or shorter than yourself. You don’t always line up the best.
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If Toddlers Were On Facebook

Could you imagine if toddlers were on Facebook?  By the looks of these posts I think we can be very thankful they are NOT!  🙂

TARGET PROBLEMS

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HOLY CRAP

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FACEBOOK PICS

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EMO SONG LYRICS

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VAGUEBOOKING

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HELL’S KITCHEN

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THANKSGIVING PROBLEMS

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DON’T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE

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PINTEREST ANGST

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DATE NIGHT

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Cremated Ashes Turned Into Diamonds

Having your loved ones cremated ashes turned into a beautiful diamond might not be for everyone but it’s a very original and unique idea that many people might cherish.

Algordanza, a Swiss company, has taken a fascinating and unexpected approach to memorializing our loved ones who have passed; They will compress and super-heat your loved one’s cremated ashes and turn them into a man-made diamond that can be worn and cherished.

It all begins with a chemical process that extracts the carbon from the departed’s ashes. This carbon is then heated to convert it into graphite. That graphite is then heated to as many as 2,700 degrees Fehrenheit and subjected to forces as high as 870,000 pounds per square inch. The color of the finished diamond, which can range from white to dark blue, depends on the boron content of the ashes of the deceased. The prices begin at 4,259 Swiss Francs ($4,474 USD) for a small diamond with no additional service.

More info: algordanza.com | Facebook (h/t: ecouterre)

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The human body is 18% carbon. 2% of this carbon remains after cremation, and it is this carbon that Algordanza uses to make their diamondscremateddiamond3

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These last two photos are from a man who took his grandmother on a trip through the U.S. after her cremated remains were turned into a diamond ring

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Photographer Captures The Exquisite Beauty Of Maine Coons

Let photographer Robert Sijka introduce you to Maine Coons – the largest domesticated breed of cats in the world. They’re basically the closest thing to a lynx that you can share your home with, without worrying too much about your well-being.

 

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For more info check out his Facebook page. Facebook

Cat Owners Will Understand These Pictures

These photos all cat owners will definitely relate to.  Cats sure are one mysterious animal.

 

They’re not always the best indoor hunters.

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They’re powerless to resist boxes.

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They send you ominous messages.

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They multiply in suspicious ways.

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They make Snapchat worth using.

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They change their minds often, and at the most inconvenient times.

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They’re always ready for their next sneak attack.

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They don’t care if that diet Coke belongs to God himself.

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Cats have mysterious interests that you will never fathom

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They will destroy everything you love.

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They fight like warriors on the daily.

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They need your help sometimes, though they would never admit it.

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They’re smart enough to be suspicious of your intentions.

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They have lots of hunting fails.

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They don’t always think things through.

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They can get stuck in the weirdest place. Like how did this even happen?

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They usually like the boxes their toys came in more than their toys.

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Cats are petty AF.

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They tolerate your love of arts and crafts.

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They can secretly fly.

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They’re vomit opportunists.

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They provide hours of entertainment. Like Facebook, only without your racist uncle.

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They’re very photogenic. Unlike you.

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They’re cute when they’re happy but they’re cuter when they’re mad.

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They will laugh at all your attempts to restrain them.

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They really do have dangerous curiosity.

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They hate Christmas.

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They have no concept of their body size.

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They have clear petting boundaries.

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They’re nice. When nobody’s looking.

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via: pawsome

The Nuns Confession

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

“Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.

” The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.

“Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.” 

 

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Little Johnny On Nuclear Power

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A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

 

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When You Realize It Is Time To Move

No doubt about it, seriously might be time to MOVE!  

 

Hilarious Dark Humour Comics By Mr. Lovenstein

Mr. Lovenstein, aka J. L. Westover, draws hilarious dark humour comics with the most unexpected endings.  Mr. Lovenstein and his unusual sense of humour will definitely tickle your funny bone.

 

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Via: boredpanda

The Unbelievable Origin Of Sayings Like “Piss Poor” And Others From A Much Simpler Time

The origin of these sayings from the past truly took me back in time.  It is hard to believe the term “raining cats and dogs” had such a bizarre beginning!

Check out these old sayings from the past to see which ones you remember or possibly still use to this day.

 

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“They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot. Once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery.

If you had to do this to survive, you were ‘piss poor.’

But worse than that were the really poor folks who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot. They ‘didn’t have a pot to piss in’ and were considered the lowest of the low.”

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“Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June.

However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.”

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“Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women, and finally the children. Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, ‘Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!’”

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“Houses had thatched roofs with thick straw-piled high and no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, ‘It’s raining cats and dogs.’

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy beds came into existence.”

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“The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the term, ‘dirt poor.’

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.

Hence, ‘a thresh hold.’”

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“In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot.

They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, ‘Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.’

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could ‘bring home the bacon.’ They would cut off a little to share with guests, and would all sit around and ‘chew the fat.’”

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“Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the ‘upper crust.’”

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“Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.

Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.

They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a ‘wake.’”

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“In old, small villages, local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (‘the graveyard shift’) to listen for the bell.

Thus, someone could be ‘saved by the bell,’ or was considered a ‘dead ringer.’

Now, whoever said history was boring?”

Viral Internet piece, as compiled by Flo Deems of ToneByTone

via: littlethings

Redneck Vasectomy

Redneck Vasectomy

 

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After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me”.

“Trust me,” said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

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Get Out Of The Car

Get Out Of The Car

 

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it!  Get out of the car!”

 

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The four men didn’t wait for a second threat.  They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.  She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. 

She tried and tried, and then she realized why.  It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. 

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake.

The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

The moral of the story?  If you’re going to have a senior moment… make it memorable.

 

Christian Mom Makes A Huge Mistake When Asking Twitter What This Is

This devout Christian Mom definitely got an answer to her question….and then some!  ROFL

 

downstairs01 Needless to say, Patty wasn’t too happy with the responses.

downstairs02Yes, it turns out it’s a masturbation aid marketed to gay men.

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christianmomLuckily for CJ, some tweeters were on hand to help him hide the truth:

downstairs04 downstairs05But something tells us his mother will catch on sooner or later…

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Can anyone actually be this naive?

No, probably not. We’re 99.999999% sure this account is fake, particularly because the original fleshlight picture came from a review on a different website. But that doesn’t make it any less funny.

Via: huffingtonpost